Let's Have An Awkward Conversation...

Commentary: A Requiem for a Dream Wedding

2009-04-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

FORWARD: I apologize in advance for the length of this post. For those of you with little time- the entire op-ed below can be abridged to: “Yay for gay marriage!!” Fear not, lots of short frivolous posts to come. Okay, for those of you with less-than-engaging jobs, onward.

Without a doubt, the last two weeks have been either incredible or incredibly awful- depending on which side of the marriage equality debate you find yourself on. In just half a month, the number of states allowing same-sex marriage has doubled- from two to four. What’s more, these two particular victories in Vermont & Iowa are far more than simple ticks on a scoreboard because both of them represent a unique kind of victory for the marriage equality movement. Regardless of your stance, there is no doubt that this issue is one of rising importance and that the prevailing winds are shifting- in a decidedly progressive direction. Yes evangelicals, the clouds are gathering. But don’t worry…because it’s raining skittles!!

So what made the Vermont ruling so significant? Well, for starters, it wasn’t a “ruling” at all. For the first time, a state legalized same-sex marriage through its legislature rather than its Supreme Court. The VT House of Representative’s presented a bill, passed it handily and the State Senate followed suit. There was a momentary scare when VT’s Governor, Republican Archie Bunker, said he’d veto it if it made it on to his desk. The Governor can veto any bill unless it’s passed by a 2/3 majority- a steep requirement given how divisive this issue is. Despite the threat of a veto (or perhaps because of it) Vermont’s legislature overrode the Governor’s veto with a three pointer (technically a 2/3er) at the buzzer. The bill passed and the tally went to three states that allow same-sex marriage.

Finally, marriage equality was handed down from elected representatives instead of so-called ‘activist judges’- a blow to the argument often cited by the Protect Marriage crew. But the Governor’s veto itself (though it was overruled) was also significant. Conservatives have long argued that it’s not fair for the decisions of a few judges to overrule the will of the people. However, the Governor’s attempt to veto this bill (along with similar vetoes by CA Governor Schwarzenegger back in 2005 and 2007) did essentially the same thing. The people of Vermont elected their representatives. Those representatives REPRESENTED the people of Vermont- and voted by a majority to legalize same-sex marriage. Despite that, the Governor saw fit to veto the will of the people’s representatives and push his own agenda. The example is not completely apples to apples (since the Governor is elected unlike some judges) but the overarching point stands-the Governor was poised to discard the majority’s decision to serve his own interests. This fact could serve to neutralize this as an effective argument from those on the Right in future debates on the issue.

Next to the plate was Iowa. I think I speak for many when I say that my reaction to the ruling was “Iowhaaa??” It was a stunning victory in a heartland state that came just as those in Massachusetts and Connecticut had- from the state’s Supreme Court. But what makes it significant is not the decision itself, which fell short of the sweeping legal statements made in the California Supreme Court's decision, but that it tackled head-on and put to rest some of the (faulty) claims made so often by the Protect Marriage camp.

From the beginning, there’s been an internal debate among those who’ve fought for marriage equality as to whether it should be presented as a ‘gay’ thing at all. Until now, the prevailing wisdom has been- um, no- definitely not. This stance is based on the fear that if you present the issue as a ‘gay’ one, you lose every time. Follow? People don’t like gays and so if Prop 8 were called- “I Heart Gays- Check Yes or No”, it would go down in flames (pun very much intended). So- keep it sterile and inclusive and safely in the realm of puppies and unicorns (straight puppies and unicorns, of course) and you’ve got a shot. Except that the “No on 8” campaign didn’t present it as a gay issue- and they still lost. Until the quintessential fear- let’s call it the “Super Gay Elephant in the Room”- at the heart of this debate is challenged and conquered, any victory will be a hollow one.

The CA Supreme Court’s ruling was a legal argument delivered with a neat, tidy legalese [read: inaccessible to common folk] that said, basically, due to the language already present in the California State Constitution their hands were tied and so they couldn’t deny marriage rights to anyone (yes, even gays). They weren’t extending marriage rights to gay people; they simply couldn’t deny them those rights, or any others for that matter, because of the pesky Constitution, see?

And THIS is where the Iowa ruling shines for it’s nothing less than a manifesto for marriage equality- and a far less burdened and legalistic one at that. Of course, they used all the same legal arguments and framework that other courts have- we can’t discriminate, the constitution says so, all men are created equal, blah blah blah. But then they took it further- A LOT further.

They said, in no short order, that marriage is a civil right that cannot be denied to anyone, that gay people fall under the category of “anyone” and that denying them that right violates not only the equal protection clause of Iowa’s Constitution but also the same clause present in the US Constitution (though they were careful not to hit that point home too hard, lest Justice Scalia’s head explode). They also tackled the usually hands off issue of whether being gay is a choice. This is an issue that has stumped many before, because if you can’t prove that homosexuality is an inborn and unchangeable state, then how can you protect it with the same vigor as, say, race or ethnicity or gender? The Iowa court neutralized this by citing one of the experts called to the stand- a retired psychiatrist AND…a witness for the defense. The psychiatrist cited studies’ showing that sexual orientation is not fixed and that it has been proven to change in individuals over time. So, it’s a choice then. Slam dunk for the defense, right? Nope. The judges asked a simple but all-important follow-up question. They asked what the effects of changing sexual orientation were on those individuals that did so or attempted to. Were there any negative effects when a person was pressured- by family or religion or just the collective pressure of living in a society that doesn’t condone or accept their ‘choice’- to reverse their sexual orientation? Drum roll please…because the expert conceded that there are indeed studies that show that trying to change one’s orientation is harmful- in some cases extremely so- to psychiatric health. He shoots, he scores…awe, but for the other team. This essentially negated the defense's argument because if you CAN’T prove that it’s a choice for everyone but you DO know that attempts to change it have been proven harmful, then the nature/nurture argument is off the table. Now that being gay was (or could not be proven otherwise) just like race or gender- it had to be protected. With that, the judges’ hands were free to address a slew of other topics including most notably: gay parenthood.

Numerous experts were brought in and studies were cited, all saying the same thing: the sexual orientation of a parent had no ill effects on the health and stability of their children. What they proved instead was that a stable home- straight OR gay- was the only determining factor in the well being of a child. Furthermore, they reasoned, since marriage and all the legal and societal protections it provides is an ideal arrangement for providing a stable home- preventing gay parent’s from marrying was tantamount to creating a less stable environment in which to raise children. Got that? In order to “protect our children” (an argument cited so often by the Protect Marriage folks), you must allow gay parents to marry. They shoot, and they score…again for the other team. Some of the most basic arguments used by those against gay marriage- that being gay is a choice and that gay marriage will endanger our children- were turned on their heads and used as the basis for marriage equality. Taste that? That’s sweet victory. (I just noticed the letters spelling ‘irony’ are found within the word victory. Coincidence?)

We can only hope that these two victories are just the beginning of larger things to come. Though the loss of Proposition 8 was heartbreaking, it’s proving to be just the galvanizing moment so many people needed to start getting real about marriage equality. There’s no doubt too that part of this movement’s success owes a great deal to the inspiring campaign of Barack Obama (and of Hillary Clinton- whoop whoop!). The election motivated so many of us to get involved in our government and in our communities to pull the country back from the moral, financial and political abyss it was perched on. While Obama himself has still failed to go so far as to support gay marriage, I believe he has been sending us secret messages about it (you know, like the Terrorist Fist Bump). During his remarkable acceptance speech (aaand, cue nostalgic goose bumps), he said that our work has just begun and that his victory and any victories to come would not be his- but ours. Our president, representatives, judges or anyone in power won’t do anything unless we make them. Their job is simply to represent our will, lobby for our interests and to shape this country into one that reflects the spirit and character we demand. So it’s our job to force their hand. Obama won’t support gay marriage or anything else important to us until our collective voices- which are growing to a crescendo every day- tell him he must. He is a man of reason and so when reason dictates that he reassess his stance on this issue- he will. Democracy is a bitch, turns out. A good dictatorship requires only a good dictator. But a good democracy requires that we ALL be dictators- of our own fate.

Write your representatives, call your congressmen and women and talk to your neighbors and co-workers. Every battle is won one vote at a time and continuing to rely on the goodwill- or even good judgment- of those in power simply won’t suffice. Make it a priority, get involved in something and be a part of your solution. Our democracy depends on nothing less.

The Greater Wall of China

2009-04-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

Turns out the Great Wall of China is a full 3,850km (or a bunch of miles) longer than was previously thought. Former estimates were based on historical records and put the Great Wall at only 5,000km. This development reveals two important things-

1) 3,850km of previously buried sections of the Great Wall AND

2) that despite the long-held and popularly accepted stereotype, not ALL Asian people are good at math (a theory that first took hold when it was revealed that China didn't know the difference between the numbers 14 and 16.)

UPDATE: A new US Geological report has acknowledged that due to a surveying error in 1868, the location of the famous “Four Corners” (where the states of CO, UT, NM & AZ meet) is actually 2 ½ miles west of where it’s supposed to be. Four Corner Gate sent shock-waves through the RV/retiree communities and safely returned the stereotype “human calculators” to Asia.

Miss CA loses Miss USA, wins Miss Informed

2009-04-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

In this week’s Miss USA competition, Miss California- Carrie Prejean- was given the most controversial question of the night. Perez Hilton was the questioner and he asked the Aryan beauty whether she supported gay marriage being legalized in California. Her nuanced answer- “no, I prefer opposite marriage” (I wish I was kidding), drew boos from the crowd and may have cost her the title, which she only lost by an ironic or heartbreaking 2.5%. But fret not; in a Fox News interview after her/our loss, Carrie was all vacant smiles. She said that though she’s sad she didn’t win, she’s proud of her answer and felt that it was a test given to her by God- a test she passed by staying true to the beliefs passed down to her by biblical revisionists and various relatives. She later added that "things would have been different if God was on the panel of activist judges."

Scumbag Thousandaire

2009-04-21T12:34:00.000-07:00

The father of one of the young stars of Slumdog Millionaire reportedly tried to sell his daughter for $300,000. An investigation is underway to determine the validity of the accusations but the father has claimed that it was all just a misunderstanding. He then dug a his own grave just a little bit deeper by adding that the filmmakers had not paid his daughter enough for the work she did in the Oscar-winning film about impoverished Indian children with abusive guardians who use them for money and...Oh, okay, wait. Got it now. Life imitating art imitating awful.

Mel-icious Hypocrisy

2009-04-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Just days after Mel Gibson’s wife of 28 years filed for divorce, a Russian pop star (who’s 4 years younger than Gibson’s marriage) named Oksana Pochepa has come forth saying that she and Mel have been having an affair since last August. She says the two are “in love” which, in Russian, roughly translates to- “he’s sooo rich!” You know what Mel? You bother me. A lot. You’ve got a lot of nerve making a movie like the Passion of the Christ and talking about how gays and Jews and Blacks are the problem. Question: How’s the sanctity of your marriage? Follow-up question: What would Jesus drink while driving? As they say in that book you love so much- people in glass houses…

But there's good news for those of us who believe in something from another book called “Karma, Bitch” because it looks like someone forget to get a pre-nup. Awe- that’s really too bad. It’s shaping up to be an epic court battle in which the wacktastic Mel will almost certainly be crucified in the media...“The Passion of the D-Bag”, anyone?

an almost year in review

2009-04-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

It’s been almost a year since I last posted and there’s so much to write about. But before I add to the cacophony of Today, I figured an “11-month in review” was in order.

In political news- Hillary Clinton lost and Obama won. John Mccain belonged somewhere in that last sentence. Sarah Palin rode aforementioned Penguin’s coattails to inspire reverie in hockey mom’s everywhere and the exact opposite in moose/wolves/PhD holders. Joe the Plumber rode America’s failing schools’ coattails to become a relevant (?) political voice. Obama’s victory cemented the Democrat’s copyright on the words “Hope” and “Change”, while the Republicans managed to retain the rights to “White”, “Git ‘em” and the phrase “Ronald Regan was better than anyone you mentioned.” Obama blasted the Bush Administration’s use of torture and campaigned on a promise to end it, only to reverse his stance just weeks after the election saying only, “I thought Jimmy Fallon really held his own.”

In economic news- foiled again. But enough about the whiney world slipping into darkness…I filed my 2008 taxes, got a decent return but still didn’t qualify for the stimulus rebate (phew!), which reaffirms my place on the socio-economic ladder as “one rung above the completely effed, two rungs above West Virginia, and three rungs below free of college loans”.

In cultural news- Disney green lit the 4^th installment of it’s lucrative Pirates juggernaut, casting Don Cheadle or Terrence Howard or Samuel L. Jackson as the lead in Pirates of Somalia: The Curse of Crushing Poverty. The New York Times reported that reporting is dead, drank itself to sleep and then choked on it’s own Style Section word vomit. Gay marriage was criminalized in California and legalized in Iowa, causing many Californians to have the same reaction I had when I watched this (how’d he do that? No, really). Britney Spears has extensions, sobriety and a ‘crush’ on one of her new dancers, which seems like it could be a good idea- on opposite day.

In personal news- My little sister is having a baby…so I’m adding “kooky Aunt” to my resume…which I’m sending out because I’m unemployed…and I’m unemployed because I quit my job…during a recession…a fact that either confirms my fearlessness, stupidity, attachment to my soul, or inability to amass piles of money…and quite possibly all four.

In general, my disposition these days is that of a person who has just boarded Shit Your Pants Rollercoaster despite the signage warning those with neck and back problems or questionable bowel control to just take the kids to the Tea Cups and call it a day. It’s a mixture of anticipation and terror but all with the supreme faith that no matter what, I’m going to get one hell of an overpriced photo out of it…

America-1, Common Sense- 0...

2008-05-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

A new poll says that 70% of the people in the US think that “things are going badly in the US”. Cool. That number is up from 48% two years ago. But really, who cares? I mean, everyone I know thinks things are going shitty. It costs $89 to fill up your tank, $27 for milk and eggs and you just used your $300 ‘stimulus’ check to pay off a wee fraction of the interest on your maxed out credit card.

I’m far more curious about the 30% of people who said that they think the US is “on the right track” and that things are “going well”. As someone who, sadly, no longer believes in unicorns, I just really can’t believe this number. Even if (and that’s a big if unless your last name is Rockefeller, Bush or Google) things are going well for you personally- surely it’s apparent that they aren’t going well for other people. So where can a number this large (roughly 90 million Americans) come from?

Well, in a new poll conducted by the “part of my brain responsible for reasoning”, some answers have come to light about just who the 30% of Americans that still take their overpriced eggs sunny side-up are:

BREAK DOWN OF 30% OF AMERICANS WHO THINK “AMERICA IS ON THE RIGHT TRACK”:

crayola announces new color- shanghai smog...

2008-05-01T15:52:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, scientists announced that China has overtaken the US as the world’s #1 producer of CO2 emissions. Experts have predicted that this would happen for quite some time, but what no one predicted was just how soon it would happen…as in, like, yesterday.

This is terrible news for China- whose attempts at “Disney-fication” in the lead up to the 2008 Beijing Olympics have been foiled repeatedly by The Truth. This is also terrible news for the US- a country obsessed with being number one. Our fall to #2 signifies not only our definitive deposition as the world’s leader in manufacturing but an alarming lack of focus on maintaining current levels of asshole-dom. What’s next? Will parents in China be telling their children (whoops- child) to finish all their lo-mien because there are starving children in West Virginia?

Mostly, it spells disaster for Space Ship: Earth. China holds the title of the world’s worst polluter and has managed to do it while still:

- Maintaining the one child per couple rule

- Going to the bathroom in holes in the ground

- Riding mopeds/bicycles/rickshaws everywhere

Can you imagine what will happen to the planet when China actually has twins, toilets and Toyota Tundra’s? How can the US, in good conscience, ask China to do its part when we clearly have not done ours when it comes to the environment? Our industrial revolution came at a time when we were able to make machines that polluted, but were unable to measure and/or were unaware of the effects of many of them. Ignorance is bliss- bliss and cash, turns out. Now that China’s at the threshold of modernity, are we pulling the Oriental rug out from under them? Clearly something must be done- by the world and by China- to curb China’s pollution. But it is imperative that the US and the rest of the world lead the way before we can ask more of China.

On a selfish note- oil is sooooooo 20^th Century. The only way the US can stay on top and avoid the flaming death spiral that has befallen so many other great powers is to get ahead of the curve now. And we have got to figure this out quickly because in a few more years, the world will be 10 degrees hotter, Florida will be underwater and those little trinkets China makes that we’ve all becomes so fond of will become self-aware and destroy us.

babwa wawa...an affaiw to wemembew...

2008-05-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

Barbara Walters has just revealed that she had an affair with a married US Senator, Edward Brooke, during the late 1960's. Brooke was the first African-American Senator ever popularly elected to the Senate. The story came out during Walters' appearance on Oprah to discuss her new autobiography "Audition". This revelation is stunning for a number of reasons:

1- Millions of Americans are seeing the vulnerable, imperfect side of Barbara Walters for the first time.

2- Millions of Americans have now been forced to picture Barbara Walters having sex.

3- Millions of Americans have just learned that Barack Obama isn't the first black US Senator.

I've always respected Barbara Walters. Now I worship her. What a bad ass! For decades, Barbara has turned the public mirror on the imperfections of others in her notoriously sappy and emotional interviews- cheaters, liars, criminals, crazy people (what up, Heche*) and the like. It definitely takes some integrity to turn that mirror on yourself. Well done, you old trollop.

*Heche- total sidenote- I saw you riding bikes with that dude from Men in Trees like two weeks ago in Venice. It took every ounce of self-control in me (and the desperate urging of those around me) to not scream- CELESTIA!

reno 911, will this be cash or credit?

2008-05-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

Steve Fossett’s widow is being billed $687,000 by the state of Nevada to reimburse them for the money they spent searching for the downed adventurer last year. The request, which is apparently unusual, comes in the midst of a $900 million budget shortfall in the state. A few things bother me about this:

1) They’re billing widows to balance the budget? I’ve heard of kicking a man when he’s down, but kicking the wife of a dead guy is an all-new low. Have a heart, Nevada. She’s lost her husband and you’ve lost your dignity- let’s call it even.

2) If you do something Darwin award worthy* and you go missing, I can see the government asking for you or your next of kin to help with the cost. But if you’re just a guy flying a plane, driving a car, hiking a trail, or otherwise living your life- what they fuck?! Why do we pay taxes? I’ll tell you why I pay taxes- so the pothole at the end of my street is fixed, my kids have schools to go to AND if I go missing at Burning Man, someone, somewhere will look for me.

*Examples: driving drunk, diving with sharks, living in New Orleans…

3) Shouldn’t they only be able to bill you IF THEY FIND THE GUY? I mean, when the jackass plumber* my landlord hired tried to fix my bathtub but instead created a large leak from which steaming hot water spewed on a constant basis, we said sorry- no money until our bathroom doesn’t feel like a swamp, ese. Nevada- she’ll pay you when you finally locate her husband’s rotting corpse. Till then, no carcass, no service.

*I suspect this “plumber” was actually someone who owed my landlord money and possessed a wrench.

wright is wrong...and i eat my words.

2008-05-01T11:41:00.001-07:00

Juuuust a little follow-up to a previous post I wrote about Reverend Jeremiah Wright. The post was about how I DIDN'T want to talk about Wright the man- but about the actual words of his 'controversial' sermon, many of which I didn't find controversial at all.

Well now, real quick, I WOULD like to talk about Wright the man.

What an effin' douche bag. What kind of ego-maniac do you have to be to make some of the statements and speeches this 'man of god' has made? Though I still stand behind my previous post and believe that the words of Reverend Wright's speech deserve more discussion than the man himself or his relationship to Obama, I would now also like to add that Reverend Wright is a manipulative, arrogant, bitter old cobweb of a man. Clearly, the 'powers' and 'moral authority' he has been given by years of preaching to his eager congregation of sheep worshipers has gone to his head. That kind of hubris is usually reserved for rich white men with radio shows, but it looks like Jeremiah Wright has been drinking the Koolaid.

What happened to turning the other cheek? What happened to friendship? What happened to taking one for the team? It is one thing to stick up for yourself- I watch Lifetime Television for women and Enough is enough. But the cocky, disparaging tone Reverend Wright employed during his speech was more reminiscent of Don King than Martin Luther. His speech was a betrayal of Obama, a betrayal of his Christian beliefs and, if Obama loses, perhaps a betrayal of the American people. This week, Reverend Wright showed his true colors- and they had nothing to do with his skin.

for everything else, there's florida...

2008-05-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

A pregnant woman was charged with a DUI this week in America’s apparent penal colony for retards, ne’er-do-wells and pedophilic sociopaths- Florida. Once famous for it’s warm waters, endless coastline, hot nightlife and Golden Girls, Florida has slowly begun to lose its sheen. Of the 50 states, Florida has become the alcoholic uncle at Thanksgiving- you have to invite him, but his fly is down, he’s on coke and he’ll probably steal some of your silverware.

As a child, Florida evoked thoughts of Mickey Mouse, the ‘Big Ball’ at Epcot Center, third degree sunburn and sugar highs previously unimaginable. As a college co-ed, Florida meant spring break, insane clubs with toilet paper guns, drunken walks on moonlit beaches and cheap available drugs. However, in the last few years- as many people have begun to notice- Florida has taken on a distinctive Rosemary’s Baby flavor.

Sordid stories from the Sunshine State (an amazing name for an album, indeed) abound. America is a big country and so we’re full of fuck-ups, alcoholics, druggies and weirdoes. However, an inordinate amount of them seem to be Tampa Bay Buccaneer fans. Every day, I can count on a news story from Florida involving a baby, a microwave, a meth lab and an ex-cast member of The Mickey Mouse Club. There are kids being kidnapped out of their own trailers, pedophile murderers on every corner (who, coincidentally have their very own trailer park called “Kissimmee…NOW”), seven year olds stealing their grandmother’s cars, serial killers on campuses, wasted pregnant chicks on the road, hanging chads, and the list goes on.

I don’t know what’s behind the shit-show Florida has become but I have a theory involving a baby, a microwave and Jeb Bush.

and in my dream last night...i could read!

2008-04-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up an hour too early because I’m staying at a hotel and the room clock was wrong and I, like some sort of recently unfrozen cave woman, didn’t check it against my cell phone. As I rushed to get ready at 7:15am [read: 6:fucking15 am] I was rather groggy. CNN.com and their array of carnage, mug shots and ‘Medical Nightmares’ with Sanjay Gupta usually put a little lead in my pencil, so I decided to log on and wake up. I saw this and almost pooped my pants for a second:

Aaaaaaaaaand look closer:

Clearly I am a retard and it was “barracks” and not “Barack's”. Apparently, I’m like Cinderella with reading and if I try to do it before 8am, I’m as smart as a pumpkin. But really, am I the ONLY one on earth who made this mistake. Also, if it had been “Barack's” and not “barracks”- what a headline. It’s so descriptive.

honey! i locked the kids in the basement...

2008-04-28T19:18:00.005-07:00

At this point in my life, there are few things that shock me. As a devout cynic and someone who’s seen every movie Ingmar Bergman ever made, I am well aware of how effed some people are and that the world can be and usually is a rough place. When the Elliot Spitzer got caught with his ATM card in a hooker, I didn’t bat an eye. When I read about kids getting kidnapped or 7 year olds stealing cars (true.) I think- oh, Florida, what’s wrong with you now? But there are still some stories take my breath away, and this is one of them…

Picture it. Austria. 1984. This guy locks his own daughter in the basement. And then, he keeps her there for 24 years. He rapes her every day and ends up fathering 6 children by her. And then, he still lives with his wife- you know, the girl’s mother- the whole time but she has no idea that he has locked their daughter in the basement and has started a little warped family down there- like Fraggle Rock meets Silence of the Lambs. He tells his wife that she ran away. That seems plausible. Then he tells his wife that their delinquent daughter showed up at their doorstep and left one of her kids for them to take care of. Well, that was kind of a dick move but ok. Then he says she did it again. And then again. So now they’ve got 3 grandkids, no daughter and something smells in the basement…

At what point, as a mother, do you ask yourself- what the hell? Why does she keep showing up when I’m not home? Also, at what point to you wonder where all that food has disappeared to? And for that matter, when do you wonder why your husband’s been in the basement for 7 hours, or why there is a dead baby in the oven (yes, it’s true) or why you’re never allowed in the basement. I gotta say- of all the information in the story- that’s the dead giveaway to me. If someone tells me to never, EVER go somewhere, I’m usually certain that they’ve got hostages and/or dead hookers and/or a sex swing there.

The sadistic man who did this to his own daughter will certainly pay the price (though there is no way to actually make him pay the way he should…unless there’s something about Austrian law I don’t know). But what I want to know is, can you be charged with Stupid? I know it kind of opens a can of worms but I think I’m ready to do it. I’m ready for the goddamned worms. Bring it, morons of the world.

right as wright...

2008-04-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

I saw Rev. Jeremiah Wright on the Bill Moyers Show this week. Just to get it out of the way- Bill Moyers is amazing and is probably one of a handful of people that could actually save the press in this country. Love love love him. Ok, so back to Jeremiah Wright.

I am NOT going to talk about whether or not I think Obama bears some burden of responsibility for the words of his preacher because I think that is preposterous. Obama bears as much responsibility for what Jeremiah Wright says as I bear for what George W. says and if the theorum the media and Republicans are spouting holds- it turns out I am a mildly retarded brush clearer from Silver Spoon, TX. I am not George W. and, unfortunately for the verbose, I am unable to control what comes out of his mouth, as Obama is unable to control what comes out of Rev. Wrights’. Case closed. Jeez.

I am NOT going to talk about whether or not Jeremiah Wright is hurting Obama’s presidential bid or whether he was kind in his interview with Bill Moyers or whether his speech at the NAACP thing was tactful or not. The truth is that I don’t really care. I mean, I care whether or not a Democrat wins in November but as you can see from above- I really think all this hoopla over Jeremiah Wright is a real hack job.

Jeremiah Wright should be a non-issue, especially when there are so many other real issues to talk about. All of this media play he’s getting and the stream of ‘news’ anchors and political analysts trying to figure out what effect this will have on the campaign is just absolutely AMAZING. I mean, amazing. People are dying (so’s the economy). Iraq is in shambles (so’s the middle class). People want to kill us (and so do the terrorists). For this to be getting more play than Darfur, et. al. is unconscionable- as is ANY of the fluff we get force-fed on a 15-minute news loop. So I DON’T want to talk about Jeremiah Wrights effect on Obama’s bid. I DON’T want to talk about religion and politics and the incest going on between them. I DON’T want to talk Jeremiah Wright the man, the preacher or any of that.

What I would LOVE to talk about is the actual god damned speech if you’ll pardon the pun. The words of the speech are what I want to talk about because…holy mary mother of god...THEY ARE TRUE. Every single word in his ‘hate-filled, anti-American’ speech is true. He isn’t saying anything that I haven’t said a dozen times after a bottle of wine and Primary Colors. He didn’t spout one idea that I don’t agree with. He didn’t utter one phrase I haven’t yearned to hear from someone, anyone, in our socio-political landscape. And isn’t that the best part of all? In this whole in-depth [see: Shallow pg. 1] political argument NO ONE in the mainstream media or mainstream politics has the BALLS or the BRAINS to actually say- “You know, Anderson, I listened to Rev. Wright’s speech and I was moved by it because it’s how I feel sometimes.”

What the eff is it about this country and about our people that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to see the worst in ourselves? You know, people give the French so much bullshit but I love the French because I’m a masochist too and god damn it I wish more people were. Before you can fix all the bullshit in the world you have to first admit to yourself that’s it’s broken and that it’s probably your fault, folks. So hop on the Straight Razor Express and take a Wonka boat ride with me. This country IS imperialistic. This country (like, btw, EVERY OTHER COUNTRY THAT HAS EVER EXISTED ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET AND EVER WILL EXIST ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET) isn’t perfect. We don’t always do the right thing; we don’t always see the light, free the slaves, feed the hungry and recycle. Sometimes we massacre the natives. Sometimes we drop atomic bombs on the civilian population of an enemy state. Sometimes we support corrupt dictators in developing countries because they fit nicely into our pockets and will ‘develop’ their country in a way that is of maximum benefit to our exceptional* nation. Sometimes, we park in the handicapped spot. I’m okay with that. As a masochistic bohemian, I am at peace with shitiness and dedicated to the pursuit of improvement.

*”Exceptional” is also an acceptable term for ‘mentally retarded’ according to the Special Olympics website.

What Jeremiah Wright said was the truth. Before you judge, or let other people judge for you please watch it for yourself. The debate raging over his words, as usual, is off the mark. We shouldn’t be talking about whether or not what he said could hurt Obama or whether Obama is a terrorist for simply hearing Wright’s words. We should be talking about what Wright said. Whether you agree or disagree with his words, they are worth discussion and the current debate takes it as a foregone conclusion that they were ‘hate-filled’ and ‘anti-American’. They were the opposite. They were anger-filled words from someone who loves human life so much that the taking of it- for any reason- is enraging and they were pro-American because he and many other people like him love this country so much that they want it to be better, smarter, kinder, fairer and part of the solution.

all men are created equal...well, except you.

2008-04-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve been struggling lately with marrying my belief in holding humanity to certain standards with our society’s politically correct version of ‘multi-culturalism’. I’m a progressive liberal. I’m all about diversity and equality. I totally sweat culture. I donate to the Human Rights Campaign & Green Peace, I love Def Poetry Jam AND I own a ukulele. What more can I do? But there’s this little anchor that’s been keeping my cultural sensitivity and appreciation from reaching its true potential. The little anchor I refer to goes by the name of “omitted for security reasons”. Before you drive a truck loaded with explosives into my house, hear me out.

All societies are fucked up. I mean, who am I to judge a culture that forces 8 year olds to marry and have sex with 30 year olds when my culture has produced, in no particular order- Mormon fundamentalists, Paris Hilton, George W. Bush, and CBS’s Two and a Half Men? We clearly don’t have a leg to stand on, right? Except…I think we do. Is it wrong to believe that all cultures are NOT created equal; that maybe there are some societies that are better/happier/fairer? At the risk of seeming like a racist/smug/insensitive/cultural Nazi (no offense to members of my extended family)- I do think that there are some societies that have ‘gotten it’ more than others.

We live in a world where some cultures believe that it is ok to stone a woman to death for being raped. Where it is ok to sell children to perverts. Where it ok to hang gay people, cut off poor people’s hands for stealing and listen to this or this. I don’t think of myself as a cultural imperialist. I don’t want everyone to watch MTV, engage in casual sex or drink dirty martinis till everyone in the bar’s a 10 (ps- Friday can’t come soon enough). But I DO want our world to agree on a few fundamental principals. That everyone deserves the right to EXIST and everyone deserves the right to be HAPPY (unless, of course, killing me would make you happy. Consider the loophole closed, fucker).

There is nothing intrinsically better about any man, woman or child on earth. You say potato, I say potatah. You say freedom fighter, I say homicidal jihadist. We are all born with the same potential. But as we grow, mature and soak in the info, or lack thereof, around us- we branch like a big family tree. Some of us go on to invent the pencil eraser and Velcro while some of us are killed after a night of heavy drinking and risky sex on train tracks. That’s life- and that’s culture. People in cultures that have been left behind are not at fault. There are very real (and therefore fixable) reasons for this lag- poverty, war, bad leadership, imperialism, and the list goes on. But until people actually admit that, unfortunately, all cultures are NOT created equal and that some of them need to be repaired, updated, and synced with my Blackberry- we are getting nowhere. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem (the second step, coincidentally, is realizing that your problem is probably someone else’s fault).

Pope meets with victims of sexual abuse…alone…in a room…with a door…deja vu??

2008-04-17T16:21:00.000-07:00

The Pope met with some of the victims of clergy sexual abuse today. He spent several minutes alone with each one listening to their stories and offering his support. Does anyone else think there should have been a witness present? I mean, isn’t this how it all started- a man of the cloth, a youngster with a problem, a private meeting? I respect the pope for stepping up and hearing some of the many many horrific stories in person. This has been swept under the altar for so long, it’s about GODdamned time someone with authority addressed it head on and stopped making excuses. But I kinda wish there was a hidden camera, just sayin’. Who’s gonna challenge the supreme ‘vessel’ of the big guy (pun very much intended)? Plus, have you seen this guy? He’s Darth Vader’s doppelganger. If he looked me in the eye and told me to chop off my right hand, I’d be a leftie. Much respect to the man for picking up the bullshit JP II left him but for the love of god- can I get a witness?

2008 election fatigue guide...

2008-04-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

I love politics. I do. But I'm tired. I just want to vote now. No more shots, no more debates, no more mass emails from campaign managers and moveon.org. I want my life back.

If you're worried that you or someone you know is suffering from election fatigue- here are some tell-tale warning sings that you're "just not that into it":

1- Stories about War in Iraq exciting again

2- Usual apathy towards Pennsylvania now replaced with searing hatred

3- All the candidates starting to look the same??

4- CNN replaced by Perez Hilton as homepage

5- Barack Obama was in your dream last night

6- Super Delegate now official euphemism for almost anything

7- John McCain was in your nightmare

8- Discovered your Barack Obama lawn sign can double as a dust pan in a pinch

9- Hillary Clinton wasn’t in your dream last night. She was at your local pub.

10- You don’t necessarily want to see anyone get assassinated…but I would be a nice change of pace...

john adams- behind the musket...

2008-04-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

If you’re not watching John Adams every Sunday, please start. HBO’s miniseries on the forgotten Founding Father is awesome and here’s why:

1) We are all endlessly informed (though usually incorrectly) about the other FF’s- notably Washington, Jefferson & Franklin. Somehow, Adams has become the “Jan from the Brady Bunch” of the Founding Fathers. He was totally there for the whole thing & had a big (if not the biggest) role in it but really, who the eff knows anything about him? The series is a great way to learn something new about someone you didn’t know you were supposed to know.

2) It reveals an infinitely more honest, candid and authentic version of the lead up to the Revolution and the creation of our nation. I love stories, I really do. But the fairy tale we’re taught about the founding of America falls into the “Paul Bunyan” realm of historically accuracy. It wasn’t all puppies and unicorns for our slave-owning, land grabbing, Indian killing, puritanical, WASP-y, Neo British Imperialist forefathers. They, like any other group of rich people, had their own very personal reasons for separating from Great Britain and in most cases it had very little to do with the self-determination of Irish indentured servants or the like. This series isn’t incredibly harsh on the indiscretions [read: genocide of the natives/buggering of the slaves] of the FF’s, but it also doesn’t let them completely off the hook the way my middle school history teachers did.

3) The third reason to watch John Adams has something to do with those aforementioned slave-owning, land grabbing imperialists. Turns out, John Adams wasn’t one of them. In watching John Adams, you come to realize that it is HE (and not Washington or Jefferson, et al) that is the embodiment of the image we have of our Founding Fathers. John Adams was the son of a self-educated farmer from Massachusetts and an illiterate mother. John Adams was a self-made man who rose from his station in life to attend Harvard and become one of the most influential men in the country. John Adams is the only Founding Father that never owned a slave. Where other FF’s were brilliant and eloquent enough to talk about human rights and freedom and self-determination, but hypocritical and weak enough to own slaves, father children with them and NOT FREE THEIR OWN CHILDREN (ahem, Mr. Jefferson- care to comment?), John Adams believed so fervently that freedom was an intrinsic right that he bucked the convention of the time and picked his own damn cotton.

4) And finally- the BEST reason to watch John Adams is because it holds a lesson we could benefit from remembering today. John Adams was an amazing man who was able to convince a lot of people that he had the answers. So much so that they followed him into war with Britain. He was a man of such integrity that he defended the British soldiers who fired on civilians in the Boston Massacre in a court of law. He also fought for the freedom of slaves to be written into the Declaration of Independence. Those principles followed him all the way through his career until…the Alien and Sedition Acts. Long story short- the A&S Acts were the Patriot Act of its time. It limited free speech and gave the government huge powers over its citizens’ civil liberties. John Adams’ party- the Federalists- wrote them and John Adams signed them into law and they are the reason why:

- John Adams lost his bid for re-election

- His Federalist Party collapsed and never recovered

- We DON’T learn about how John Adams chopped down a cherry tree, he doesn’t have a marble statue monument in Washington, DC, his face ain’t on a mountain in South Dakota and mostly, nobody knows who the eff he is or what he did?

What does this teach us? When the chips were down and shit got rough, John Adams caved to the fear mongering of his party. Instead of defending the freshly written Constitution and Declaration of Independence, Adams allowed partisan politics to trample them like a Spaniard in Pamplona. The Alien and Sedition Acts were used to keep people from criticizing the government, deport anyone the government wanted, arrest people without proof, make it harder for foreigners in America to become citizens and most of all- to prosecute members of the opposing party for being…well…in opposition of the Federalists…you know- traitors. Sound familiar?

George W. talks a great deal about freedom and liberty and the rule of law. He speaks about the greatness of this country and our democracy with a tear in his eye and twinkle in his heart. And then, just right after the cameras stop rolling, we realize he’s naked from the waist down behind the podium AND he’s just taken a piss on the constitution. Let us hope history remembers George W. Perhaps if we had learned, as middle school students, the true story of John Adams- a man of principles and ideals who sold them at the eleventh hour for political gain- we would have seen the writing on the wall when, one by one, our civil liberties were taken- quietly and deliberately- by wolves in American Flag lapel pin suits.

thinking forwards...

2008-04-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

So I got a FWD: from my mom today. This makes somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 this week. It's Wednesday. I'm not mad. In fact, it's kind of cute that my mom thinks of me often enough to send me around 12 emails she didn’t write and may not have even read per week. It’s not the forwards themselves that bother me- it’s their contents. The forwards she sends me make me question whether or not I really sprung from her loins or if, perhaps, I was one of those kids in the 80’s taken from a shopping mall.

The first kinds of forwards my mom sends her agnostic daughter (me) are religious. “FWD: An Angel Wing Prayer for You- FUNNY!” and “FWD: Check Your Beatitudes- MUST READ” are just some of the thinly veiled Catholic threats I can expect on a weekly basis. The second sorts of forwards I receive are chain letters. I can expect at least one “FWD: You’re in my top 11 so pass this on or else…” every week. WTF? Top 11? I only have 2 sisters so who are the other 8? And is that a threat? I love my mom dearly, but I had to call her about the chain letters:

Me: Mom, what’s the deal with the chain letters?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: I mean the emails you send me that threaten that we won’t be friends anymore if I don’t send it to 14 people in14 minutes.

Her: Oh. Well, what’s wrong with them?

Me: Nothing. They’re just a waste of pixels and time. Why don’t you send me a real email with information in it and we talk and catch up and stuff? (though I could barely believe it myself, the next statement is 100% verbatim)

Her: Well, I know they’re probably not real but I just get scared because WHAT IF THEY ARE*?

*this, in case you’re wondering, is why George W. won the election twice- little fear, dash of stupidity. Love you, mom but you diiiiid vote for him…

Lastly, my mother sends my many forwards about “How to NOT get raped or killed or kidnapped or have your ankles slit by a fake cop while loading Christmas gifts into your car at a mall parking lot.” (Then answer, by the way, is either to dial *7923743252435 if you think you see a fake cop OR to shop online) These emails distress me almost as much as if my ankles were being slit and so I’m not really sure what purpose they serve. My dad, for his part, joined the fray and purchased me a roadside tire pump and a rape whistle last Christmas. I called it a “Stalking” stuffer. My mom thought that was tacky of me.

Technology, it would seem, is a cruel mistress; a Pandora’s box of information, info-tainment and misguided FWD’s from the people you love most. I love my mom dearly and we actually do talk on the phone and over email quite often. But no matter how many times I tell her not to send me religious chain letters about kidnapping, she just can't help herself. She's hooked and it's too late. Kids, it’s never too early to talk to your parents about sending forwards…

the.worst.ever...officially

2008-04-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

In a poll of US historians, 61% of them rated Bush Part Deux as the worst President. Ever. A further 35% rate him in the 31^st-41^st category. And two people out of that category rate him as the second worst ever (just behind James Buchanan who basically must have lost America in a poker game if they’re still raggin’ on him 150 years later). For those of us who read, write and have never attended a monster truck rally, this news isn’t really news- just a confirmation of what we’ve believed since the word NUCULAR first entered the lexicon. But this poll is actually quite revealing and here’s why. Most historians and history professors tend to lean left- this is no surprise (though it does bear mention that a group of people who are exceedingly academic and have chosen the in-depth study of history and consequences favor the left…just saying). So it’s also no surprise that they would rate Curious George the Second poorly. What’s revealing about the poll is the timing.

Historians may be a group of lefty-pinko-commies BUT they are also a group of people obsessed with perspective. For them, the most frustrating thing about current events is that we have no perspective on them- no way to really step back and put them into context. Context, perspective, consequences, ramifications, global importance, eras, trends, etc. are all things that only come into focus months, years, decades, centuries after events transpire. The Cold War is only now beginning to make sense and it’s still got more holes than a judicial memo on torture. The ramifications of slavery are still hotly debated among certain groups (read: Skynrd fans) For these bookish history folk, jumping to conclusions, rushing to judgment and making broad proclamations about what’s going on right now is something reserved for pundits, politicians and pastors. So, to put this poll into some perspective, a group of people who are typically loathe to make appraisals about how history will view NOW have done just that.

His shiteous rating was attributed to a few little things: complete ineptitude at almost anything, shady management of everything and the war/occupation/financial whirlpool in Iraq. In addition, he scored extra ‘Brownie’ points because of the sheer amount of work it took to turn everything he touched to shit. He started with a surplus and will end with a record deficit. He started with a healthy economy and ended with a recession/depression. He started with peace, ended at war. And most heartbreakingly, 9 months into his administration in the wake of a certain terrible event George W. Bush took the goodwill of the world, the outpouring of support from all corners and the promise of a new era of interconnectedness and sucker punched us all as he divided, tried/failed to conquer and turned hope into chaos. So, Dubya is so bad, his administration has failed in so many ways and his actions/inactions have been so damaging that those polled are willing to jump the historical shark and go out on a very short, very sturdy limb to say, officially, Mission Impossible. I love it.

Sorry Georgie, looks like history’s already spoken. Thanks for playing. Now get the fuck out you son of a bitch C student coke sniffing frat boy. Don’t let the truth hit you on the way out.

Side note: The picture above is actually a photo from a ceremony today in which W presented the Medal of Honor to the parents of a kid who threw himself onto an enemy grenade to save his fellow soldiers in Iraq last year. George W. was overcome with emotion as he gave the medal to the grieving parents- who's son would still be here if only George W. weren't.

the media paint it black...

2008-04-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

There’s no excuse for lying, misspeaking or whatever the eff your campaign manager tells you to call it, but with each ‘Hillary’s a liar’ stories that breaks, I see how damaging the media’s coverage of her has truly been. Let’s be honest- Hills has always had a bit of an image problem. Even as the first lady- a post typically reserved for frozen-faced Stepford’s like Laura Bush- she was basically seen as a castrating bitch by most white male Republicans with mommy issues. But how much of this image has been based on her actions and how much has really been the creation of the media- who has hounded her (from the left and the right) mercilessly for nearly 2 decades- is not clear. Hills poses for a photo with an AIDS patient and the headline reads “Hillary Gives Man AIDS”. She walks an old lady across the street and it’s “Clinton Steals Your Grandma”. She makes a speech and it’s “Hillary trying desperately to get people on her side”. She says nothing and it’s “Hillary in hiding- why won’t she speak to her dwindling supporters?” She can do no right.

At the same time, the media has crowned its darlings- McCain and Obama- and has largely treated them with delicate hands, softball questions and, in Obama’s case, a certain fellatious delight. These men are extraordinary- there is no doubt about that. I don’t ask that they be skewered or muckraked. However, since the media gives us the impression that their job is to be unbiased, it’d be awesome if they’d actually ever fucking get around to being that way. Since short of replacing reporters with robots, that’s never gonna happen, what I’d settle for is for them to drop the ‘unbiased, fair & balanced’ CHARADE and call a spade a spade. If you wanna give Obama a handy in the bathroom- that’s toooootally fine- just let me know so that as you lavish praise on him, I understand that it is coming from someone who wants to swallow his man juice. If Bill O’Reilly masturbates to George W’s State of the Union address, I’m fine with that (though seeing those words in print has indelibly scarred me for life). I just want to be able to put the Bush love in context.

I do believe it is impossible for journalists to truly be unbiased- especially when it comes to politics. This belief is at odds with what we’ve been taught is the fundamental role of journalists- to deliver fact-based, unbiased investigative news to inform, enrich and sometimes enrage the American public. Because people in news tend to be smart and passionate about the shit- a hazard of the trade- it would seem IMPOSSIBLE to ask them to refrain from having opinions. And if they have opinions, then it would seem IMPOSSIBLE that those opinions aren’t informing their decisions, tainting their coverage and skewing their reports. Done. End. Turns out – you’re humans (with the exception of Dan Rather who is, indeed, a robot) and as such, you’re impossible of total impartiality. When it comes to tainted drinking water- I don’t really need impartiality because tainted drinking water pretty much sucks all around. But when it comes to political races- there is no black and white (pardon the pun)- there are opinions. And I guess all I’m saying is that if the people in the news media do have political opinions (they do) and it is possible that consciously or subconsciously it could be swaying their coverage (it is) then they should stop pretending that what they’re spewing is fact-based objective news and admit that they’re cherry picking stories, carefully framing headlines and giving the candidate of their choice a free hall pass.

BUT ONE MORE THING, YOU SONSABITCHES.

I think it’s GREAT that you have the time to really take Hillary to task for her lying about the Bosnian sniper. I think it’s great that you take Barack Obama’s pastor to the cleaners for his angry but honest sermon. And I think it’s fantastic that you’ve got so many great journalists digging into the truth about Hillary using that story about a preggers chick that ended up not being provable. There’s just ooooone little thing I’ve been wondering…

WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHEN GEORGE W. BUSH TOOK US TO WAR?? Where was your in-depth reporting then? Where was your non-stop coverage of the hundreds of thousands of protesters that poured into America’s streets? Where was your brutal questioning of the faulty WMD intelligence- which was shoddier than an American made car? Where was your relentless badgering of George W. Bush, with his seeming tunnel vision towards invading Iraq regardless of world opinion, UN approval, or legal justification? Where? WHERE? I’ll tell you where, you fuck-ups. You were asleep at the wheel. Things got tough in America for a little bit. We got hit with some planes and some people died and people got scared and we were looking for answers and we were looking for someone to make sense of it all. George W. offered us some koolaid. You knew it was tainted. But you did nothing, you asked no questions and you even played along as we drank the toxic brew. When things got tough, most of you threw in the towel, imbedded yourself with the administration to get a better seat at the press conference and repeated the party line. When Americans needed truth, news, information and hard questions, you were asleep at the wheel. I’m so glad you’re awake now- just in time to break some new presidential blow job story and poor Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter’s 1^st birthday party bash in the Bahamas. Goooooood.

The Hills have lies...

2008-04-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

The Hills has been caught in another ‘misspeak’ of Bosnian proportions. This week, a story she’d been using in her stump speeches about a woman who was refused medical care because she couldn’t pay the $100 fee and subsequently died along with her unborn child (I smell a Naomi Watts role) was revealed to be a fabrication. The story was told to Clinton by one of the people she met along the campaign trail in Ohio. Her staff says they tried to vet the story, but because medical records are confidential, were unable to do so and decided to use the story anyway. Awesome and here’s why:

HILLARY’S CAMpain STAFF: COMBINED I.Q.= 17

It appears Hills really IS for equal opportunity employment, as her staff is comprised, largely, of people who are mentally challenged (I apologize sincerely to any mentally challenged folks who are offended). They have let more shit slip through the cracks than an incontinent octogenarian- from the little girl in the 3am video being an Obama volunteer, to the Bosnian sniper fiasco, and now this. I based some of my initial support of Hills on the belief that she would unquestionably bring an amazing cabinet to her administration-much like Bill did in the 90’s. I can’t remember a cabinet as damaging and coldly calculating as George W’s and I welcomed a hasty end to the days of Rummy, Wolfie, Ashy, Gonzo, and Madame Rice. It appears my confidence in old Hills may have been ‘misplaced’ based on the number of ‘misspeaks’ we’ve seen so far. Her campaign staff smacks of FEMA-tardation.

Hills in increasingly hot water and as someone who voted for her, I’m just not really sure what to say anymore. Experience is great. Ideas are great. Plans are even better. But part of getting any of this shit done means being able to convince people that your experience, ideas and plans are the best. That’s hard to do when you’ve got imaginary snipers and dead pregnant chicks chasing you around (weird...that was in my dream last night). We all know the story about the politician who cried sniper. No one believed her when the real sniper was actually…never-mind. Anyways, this image problem is serious and regardless of its causes (stay tuned you biased news media fucks- you're next on my list) it seems to mean that Clinton- for all the good she really really wants to do- probably won’t get the chance.

Charlton Heston dies; rifle fittingly pulled from his cold, dead hands...

2008-04-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Charlton Heston died today. As someone in their 20’s and unfamiliar with most of Heston’s pre-NRA work, I have to admit I’ve always thought of him as a conservative, racist douche bag. The Charlton Heston I know was an anti-abortion, pro-gun, anti-affirmative action, pro-white pride cheesy actor who, like Ronald Reagan, started to believe that he actually WAS as great as the characters he played in ‘the pictures’. I’ve never seen Ben-Hur, Planet of the Apes or any of that Moses bible stuff he did, nor do I care to. I think most liberal people from my generation will tell you that, for us, Charlton Heston sort of embodied the backwards, conservative, Christian right movement that seized our country with Reagan’s coronation. But I have to admit that after a little bit of in-depth research (go, Wikipedia, go!), Heston is far more interesting and atypical then at first glance.

Before he was an American neo-con lunatic, Heston was, turns out, a left wing aficionado. In the 1950’s and 60s, he was a staunch liberal and campaigned for both Adlai Stevenson and John F. Kennedy. He marched with Martin Luther King in 1963- long before the civil rights movement was fashionable for white folk. He opposed the Vietnam War, was in favor of President Johnson’s Gun Control Act of 1968 and starred in two movies- The Omega Man and Soylent Green- that had environmental messages. Looks like Charlie shoulda played Judas instead of Moses.

His reversal begs the question- what the eff happened to Heston? Did his Alzheimer’s set in earlier than we all thought ala Ronnie Reagan*? Did playing so many larger than life, gun-toting violent biblical warriors eventually go to his head? Was he just tired of fighting Ted Kennedy for screen time? We may never know what was at the heart of Heston’s radical transformation from a man for progress, civil rights and peace to a man for guns, repression and richwhitemen but, in my opinion, I think that Charlie was simply a man who loved a good struggle and wanted to be inspired. He portrayed so many inspirational leaders in films, it’s no surprise he was drawn to them in real life. And where the call for change, struggle and unity used to come from the left from Men like MLK, RFK, JFK- it now largely resounds from the right from men like Reagan, George W, and televevangelists like Jerry Fallwell. The left wing, I think many people agree, has been broken for quite some time and as a result, we’ve been flying in circles. 2008 seems to hold some promise of reinvigorating the left and producing some modicum of change and let’s hope for the sake of the US, the world, American politics and all us average folks that the groundswell continues and inspiration, a call to action and plans for change begin to flow once again from left.

*Oh, shut up you Republican dweebs. If you’d dislodge your head from Reagan’s ass long enough, you’d see that the man was definitely losing while in office. It’s morning in America all right; he just wasn’t sure what day it was.

come fly the ominous skies...

2008-04-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

This week, the airline industry seems to have taken a nose-dive. First, there’s the whistle blowing going on over at Southwest. An FAA safety official is claiming that he was told to ignore the fact that several Southwest planes were deemed unsafe to fly and allow the airline to continue using them. WHAT??!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS from the airline that asked that hoochie from San Diego to get off the plane because she was dressed like a Pussycat Doll? Are you fucking kidding me you piece of shit airline? You had me fooled with your unflattering Bermuda shorts, polo shirts and shitty in-flight snacks but I’m onto you now, jackhole. It doesn’t matter if the Corporation is wearing a suit or a speedo- it wants all your money and doesn’t really care how it gets it.

In addition to Southwest airlines and its jumbo steel coffins, 3 other airlines closed down altogether this week: ATA, Skybus (people don’t even ride regular buses, dude) and Aloha (which fittingly means ‘hello’ AND ‘goodbye’ in Hawaiian). The airline industry has been in a virtual freefall since 9/11. Jobs have been lost, pensions have been cut, airlines are going down faster than a white chick on an NBA player and there’s no sign of it stopping anytime soon. With rising fuel prices, the never-ending war on terror and the financial vacuum that Iraq has been turned into, things look to get worse before they get better and that’s even IF there isn’t another terrorist attack.

My mother’s a travel agent. My father’s a pilot. I’ve always hated flying. Mom, dad- I'm right again, turns out.

one thing i hate about you...

2008-04-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

#1- get smart…please

This issue is number one not only because it’s one of the most important on the list but because getting it right is absolutely integral to achieving the other nine: Intelligence. Simple concept and yet we are so far off the mark in this department that Highlights magazine is starting to seem like heavy reading. Consider the following:

GEOGRAPHY

-1 in 5 Americans can’t identify the US on a map

-9 in 10 can’t find Afghanistan

-63% can’t find Iraq

-54% don’t know that Sudan is a country in Africa

-HALF of Americans aged 18-24 can’t find the state of New York on a map

-1/3 of Americans aged 18-24 can’t tell you which way “northwest” is on a map

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

-3 in 10 put the US population between 1-2 billion (it’s just under 300 million)

-74% think English is the most commonly spoken world language (it’s Mandarin)

-1/3 of Americans are unable to name even 1 of the 3 branches of government

-1 in 5 americans believe the sun revolves around the earth

SEMI-RETARDS ARE ADORABLE

-watch as Kellie Pickler tries cut through the cobwebs of her rotting brain and decide whether Budapest is a city, continent or insect control company

-Miss Teen South Carolina isn’t really sure why some Americans can’t locate the US on a map but thinks it may have something to do with a shortage of maps and/or The Iraq

Look, we can’t all be intellectuals in the classic sense of the word; PhD’s are still reserved for people with social disorders and/or trust funds. However, what’s alarming about these and stacks of other statistics is the a) complete ignorance Americans have of the most basic civic, academic and general knowledge and b) the apparent lack of interest we show in gaining that knowledge. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

What’s even more confusing/comical is that we are in the midst of what many people refer to as the “Information Age”. Access to information of every order has never been more readily and cheaply available. Television, the Internet, movies, books, Perez Hilton and cell phones mean that the average American has a metric shit-ton of information at the tips of their fingers all day, every day. It’s not clear what’s at the root of America’s seeming distaste for ‘knowing shit’ but what is clear is the toll it’s taking on our international image and national discourse.

People think we’re stupid and, turns out- we are- from the statistics above, to the fact that we would rather have a President we could ‘have a beer’ with than one that can speak coherently, to our overall lack of interest in the world at large- we are slowly becoming a society of people that have no idea what the hell is going on. That would be fine (even preferential) in a dictatorship; that kind of government doesn’t need smart people, just smart dictators with ruthless uniforms. We, for better or worse, are blessed with a democracy and in order for that democracy to function, it requires that each of its citizens understand how our system works, willingly participate in it and be smarter than a 5^th grader.

If we want universal health care, less gun violence, healthier food, equality, fair and functional government, etc etc then it is IMPERATIVE that the citizens of this country start tuning out the bullshit flying at us from our profoundly fucked up, profit driven, subjective, corporate media and the craptastic info-tainment it produces (really? Who cares what Miley Cyrus changed her goddamned name to.). And instead start reading, learning, seeking out knowledge, looking deeper into the world around us, asking questions and demanding that our government, our media and our people be smarter. What have fallen asleep at the wheel and what we need is nothing short of a reawakening- to the world around us, to our leaders and to ourselves. Feed your head.

two things i hate about you...

2008-03-31T17:32:00.000-07:00

#2- chicken soup for the slowly poisoned soul

We hear A LOT about food in America. Don’t eat carbs, only eat carbs, the prune juice diet works, if you want to lose 20 lbs. in 2 days- amputate an arm, etc. We're absolutely obsessed with food. If 10% of the time I spent talking about food, diets and people with eating disorders (of whom I’m openly jealous btw) were instead spent working out, eating right and/or contemplating the crises’ in the Middle East- I’d be 50lbs lighter, 100% healthier and the ambassador to Syria. Hilariously, for all of the calories we burn talking endlessly about our diets and what fruits cure herpes (none)- we are some of the unhealthiest people on this planet. Our rate of obesity and obesity-related diseases is astounding. The diet industry is one of the most profitable in the country (just behind the “whatever Oprah’s reading” industry) and has sold us the idea that we can become thin, healthy, & beautiful by eating the utter shit- filled with preservatives and chemicals and misinformation- they feed us.

It seems hypocritical to besmirch our food-obsessed culture and those who profit from said obsession by adding to the cacophony of bullshit already out there. But in the end, I couldn’t NOT include it because, simply, we NEED food. We can’t live without it and so the fact that we are being slowly poisoned by the chemicals, preservatives, pesticides and litany of other crap you need a PhD in nutrition to pronounce in it is significant. The American food industry- from the FDA to corporate farms to your neighborhood grocery store- is completely fucked right down to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop.

The sad truth of the matter is that MOST of what is on the grocery shelves is bad for you- even if it says it’s fat free, lowers cholesterol and has a free toy inside. Because food is a for profit industry, the information we have available to us is, like our food, mostly tainted. There's so much crappy info about new diets and food flying at us daily it feels like a Baz Luhrmann movie on meth. At the same time, there's such a suspicious dearth of objective and honest studies on food that it makes you wonder what really happened to Tupak. If they can make ice cream for astronauts, they can certainly make food that doesn't kill us. Our animals are being pumped with hormones and antibiotics. Our microwave meals have more preservatives then Janice Dickenson's face. Even the "healthy, fat free, no preservatives, low sodium, zero trans fat" food is packed with more chemicals than a Vietamese nail shop.

A company lying to us about their products is not kosher- but it’s also not new. The tobacco industry is the classic example. It sucks, but on the other hand, who really thought smoking was ok for you? But the situation with food is out of control because food isn’t a choice (like cigarettes) it's a necessity. And as a basic necessity, it should be regulated- NOT based on profit, but on HEALTH. Charging you an arm and a leg for fake Cinnabon flavored oatmeal is not only robbery; it’s assault with a chemical weapon. And after years of eating a crap-infused diet, the food industry’s profit turns into the diet industry’s profit and their profit eventually turns into the health insurance and prescription industries’ profit because by now you’re fat, depressed, have diabetes, a kid with autism and no idea how long that can of green beans has been there but hot damn! it’s still good.

For all you ever need to know about food, please read: The Omnivore's Dilemma & In Defense of Food

three things i hate about you...

2008-03-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

#3- man i’d kill for some equality…

Immigration will certainly be one of the major issues in the upcoming presidential election. There’s a lot of static coming from both sides and the debate’s starting to make about as much sense as a Charlie Kaufman movie sober. The Republican Party is looking to make immigration the ‘gay marriage’ of ’08 and hopes to woo (terrify) the party’s conserva-tarded base and independent [read: lazy] voters with it. After all, who ISN’T afraid that their lawnmower/maid/strawberry salesman is trying to bring America to its knees one avocado at a time? The Republicans have taken a hard-line stance and have suggested everything from closing our borders to anyone who doesn’t require SPF to aggressively rounding up the illegal immigrants already here and deporting them (but keeping the avocados). The Democrats, for their part, have coyly been riding the fence (you know, the one the Republicans want to build) and show no signs of getting down anytime soon.

A country’s right to keep its borders secure is a basic tenet of sovereignty (unless you have resources we need) and so there’s nothing wrong with reforming the current immigration policy of the US to make it more effective and expeditious than the current system of “Hey Jed, is that a log or a Mexican in the river? Hell if I know, shoot at it and see if it freaks out.” (insert King of the Hill voice) However, the current demonization of Latino immigrants is disturbing- not only because of its racist overtones but because of the distracting effect it has on the average (dimwitted) electorate who are about as hard to mislead as fish to shiny objects. And this is the larger picture.

Throughout history, those in power have sought to take the anger/frustration/gun licenses of their struggling subjects and focus them on easy to attack and demonize minority groups. The Black Death is killing 2 out of 3 Europeans? Don’t blame the kings or popes- it’s the Jews. Germany is brought to its knees by a WWI loss? Don’t blame the inept generals or government officials that started it- it’s the Jews (again). And so, the middle class in America is suffocating under an enormous and growing mountain of debt, poverty is on the rise, inflation is outpacing wages, etc. Don’t blame the CEO’s (who’s have your money) or politicians (who didn’t require the big corporations to raise your wages) or big business (who moved their factories to Indonesia because damn! those kids have fast fingers AND they’ll work for a penny a day). This is the fundamental disconnect.

The people with the power and money in this world determine, largely, what happens in it. Chances are that if something in your life is fucked up, it’s because it somehow serves the interests of the people on top. But time and time again, those on top are able to convince us poor saps to direct our anger down the ladder- at the people with even less power than us- making them the culprits we’ve been looking for. What is happening with the Latinos now is the same thing that happened to the Irish, the Jews, and the African Americans and IS happening to the gays, the Muslims and on and on. When someone in power tries to tell you who to blame or who to be scared of it’s nearly always a ploy to keep you from channeling your rage towards them, which is precisely where it should be. Be a patriot- question authority.

four things i hate about you...

2008-03-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

#4- for the love of god/people…

If the last few centuries have been marked by the increasing secularization of America (prayer in public schools banned, heretics no longer burned or stoned in Salem, me/you/everyone we know prescribed birth control) then the 21^st century, it would seem, has marked the pendulum’s reversal (George W. Bush calls war in Iraq ‘Crusade’, Roe v. Wade now up for discussion, Evangelicals fastest growing voting bloc- tied with David Archuletta fans). I am not opposed to religion, but in the same way I’m not opposed to pole dancing. It’s not for me, but if you’re hard up- go for it. I hear it’s a great workout.

Religion can be and IS a beautiful ritual for so many people in the world- steeped in tradition, culture and sex with minors. But, as we’ve seen time and time again throughout recorded history, it is all too often an instrument of intolerance, oppression and violence. What is at the root if it’s all-too-easy-to-pervert nature? Easy. Religious fundamentalists tend to be batshit crazy. I don’t mean that in an offensive way (to bats). There’s a simple logic at work here. In order to believe many of the things fundamentalists believe, a certain willingness to suspend disbelief, ignore logic and disregard ‘all we know to be true’ is required. The world created in seven days? Sure, why not. All of humanity descended from two peeps? Fuck it, I’m in. 72 virgins await you in heaven? Well, they sure as hell aren’t in Los Angeles, so go for it. Most of the time, these beliefs aren’t destructive to the rest of humanity. But they lay a dangerous foundation for those pernicious wolf-in-televagelist types to build upon. If you’re the type of person who can be convinced that dancing is a mortal sin, then you’re also the kinda person that the guys who recruit suicide bombers and pyramid schemers are looking for.

Is all religion bad- absolutely not. I know plenty of people (most, in fact) that are religious but not dogmatic. They take the parts of their faith that work for them and agree to disagree on the rest. They dance, they drink, they fuck, they cuss and at the end of the week they tell their jealous-as-hell priest all about it as he absolves them of their sins and winks at the distressed altar boy.

But the growing trend of religious fundamentalism that has seized the Middle East and parts of America [read: Texas] is disturbing. We are combating religious extremism with religious extremism. Fighting fire with fire is always a bad idea with only one notable exception: drinking to get rid of a hangover. Other than that, it’s all counterproductive crap. The violence emanating from radical Islam needs to be fought with KNOWLEDGE (because stupidity=violence), MONEY (because poverty=desperation=violence) and good old-fashioned SKEPTICISM (because questions=answers=the truth=we’re all the same so stop fucking with each other). When it comes to faith, I may not have the kind they write about in psalms but I’ve got the kind that tells me that mostly, people want the same basic/beautiful things out of life and if we work together, we just may be able to make it happen. If you want to do something great for your country- be a cynic.

five things i hate about you...

2008-03-26T16:30:00.001-07:00

#5- stayin’alive…

has the moment finally arrived? have americans realized that they’re being financially crucified on a Blue Cross? i’m not sure if we’re getting smarter or if the bill for your boob job just arrived but for some strange reason, i think we’re finally ready to demand some sort of universal-esque health care system this time around. after decades of politicians demonizing universal health care as socialism (wait, is that bad?), the veil may have finally been lifted by a perfect storm. first, the rate of health care costs began rising faster than wages or inflation (but it’s all good, cause I’ve got a job). next W. invaded iraq and spent all our money- leading to a loss of jobs and recession (oh, shit). finally the brilliant if occasionally heavy-handed (thank you for that) michael moore made a movie that honestly and heartbreakingly shone a light on the plight of the average american WITH health insurance (pass the tissues). because isn’t that the craziest thing of all? it’s not americans without coverage that end up getting fucked with a scapel. It’s us poor (and increasingly so) schmucks who think we’re covered that end up selling a kidney on the black market to pay for the new liver we just got. We’ve got a coup d’ Aenta on our hands and it’s about effing time.

health care is not a political issue- it is a HUMAN RIGHT (more on those pesky things later). if we supposedly live in the most advanced, prosperous and fair nation to ever grace the face of the earth (cue the music and Mr. Heston) then it should be no stretch assume that aforementioned nation would take care- physically, mentally, financially- of each and every one of its citizens. health care is not an after thought. it’s not something the congress should have to meet about and discuss the value of. it’s not something that gets tacked onto a bill calling for the sterilization of michael vick, though such a bill should pass handily. no, the right to receive medical attention and treatment when you are sick or hurt or just want to find out what the fuck that thing on your big toe is INALIENABLE. It is BASIC and any politician, person or penny-pinching piece of shit company that doesn’t get that needs to follow me to my next doctors appointment- 6 years from now.

six things i hate about you...

2008-03-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

#6- where’s the middle class?

The large and prosperous middle class that arose from the ashes of WWII is perhaps one of the greatest achievements in America’s history. It produced one of the biggest booms in population, wealth, health, technology and fashion faux pas the world has ever seen. For most of human history- the middle class was non-existent. Societies tended to be comprised of a small and super-rich ruling class and then hoards of dirt-poor, filthy, uncouth extras from Oliver Twist. But as a result of FDR’s New Deal and the uniting effect WWII had on America, we emerged from that conflict on a rapid upward trajectory.

My grandfather fought WWII, survived and went to work on the Pennsylvania railroad (does it get more blue collar?), owned a home and raised 1,002 [read: 7] children along with my grandmother (who didn’t work but made a mean pot roast). If I tried to do what my grandparents did now, I would be on welfare, food stamps and eventually the show Cops. The truth is that the world my grandparents lived in doesn’t exist anymore. We’ve been had. Where has the middle class gone? Is it dying because America’s economy is dying? Is it being killed by terrorism or drugs or gangs? No. America’s economy, though currently in the shithouse, is by no means dead. We remain one of the world’s leading producers of technology AND useless crap. And terrorism, drugs and gangs don’t cause poverty- they are the result of poverty. So what the eff happened?

What happened is corporate greed. It’s a simple equation. Americans have been working as hard and as much as they always have- in fact, we’ve been working harder. But a greater and greater percentage of the money we make goes to the CEO’s and Presidents of the bigger and bigger corporations. The money has floated out of the mattress my Italian grandmother stuffed it in for 50 years and into the pockets of the people she called “Fat Cat Sonsabitches”. Getting our money back will be no easy feat, but it’s the only way the reclaim our place in America, thereby helping America reclaim her place as the Land of Opportunity.

seven things i hate about you...

2008-03-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

#7- torture? I barely know her…

I really can’t believe that I’m writing this blurb now. The reason I can’t believe it is because I was raised (in a 2^nd generation military household, fyi) with the idea that torture and the fact that we didn't do it was something that separated us from our enemies. The Nazi’s gassed people and worse while we died to liberate them. The NVA performed medical experiments on POW’s and left them to die slow deaths- we treated our POW’s with restraint and humanity. The KGB pulled people’s fingernails out, we sent Billy Joel on a Soviet concert tour. That is the world I grew up in. While it’s clear that my beliefs as a child were simplistic, the fundamental truth stood firm- America did NOT torture. When old people say things like “America’s going down the tubes” or “things aren’t like they used to be” they’re usually referring to the rise of rap, baggy pants and the third season of Flavor of Love. The truth is much worse and far more dangerous than a former rapper with 3 teeth and 4 STD’s. When our leaders support torture- not only covertly but OPENLY for chrissakes- we have reached a point from which there may be no return in terms of our international image.

The argument is presented as complex but it is painfully (pardon the pun, gitmo) simple. Torture is a war crime. If we want to commit war crimes to defeat terrorists who don’t play by the rules, then we’ve clearly already lost. Any government who commits torture in my name deserves to be overthrown and any American who supports torture or abstains from the debate over it loses the right to be appalled or disgusted by what terrorists do.

eight things i hate about you...

2008-03-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

#8- privatization for sale

Privatization is one of those issues that usually doesn’t make the news because it requires more than 20 brain cells and doesn’t involve hookers or semen stained dresses. However, it is perhaps THE most fundamental issue facing our generation. Simply and honestly put, Neo-con/Republican ideology strives for the aggressive and unforgiving privatization of as much as they can get their hands on. They'd privatize privatization if it wouldn't break the Matrix. Katrina brings New Orleans to its knees like a congressional page? Fuck FEMA and send in Halliburton. We invade Iraq and get caught in a quagmire messier than McCartney’s divorce? Fuck the US & Iraqi Military and send in Blackwater. Inner city schools are more dangerous than wearing a Yankee’s hat in Revere, Mass.? Fuck free public education and start a Pre-school fund for Junior.

We are so often caught up in the minutia of the daily political bullshit debate- how many stem cells can scientists test, what kind of cigar was it, how long will the Great Wall of USlessness be with Mexico and on and on that we forget some of the most basic facts. Republicans don’t believe in government. Buuuuut they’ve run it for the last 8 years. Let that sink in because it’s kind of like me becoming head pastor of a Super Church. I don’t get it, I don’t believe in it, I don’t like it, and therefore I’ll see YOU at the bar crawl this Sunday. It is no wonder that our public sector- things like FEMA and public schools- are as fucked up as Keith Richard’s liver. We’ve had blockheads that don’t believe in them running them. Sure, I can run a church- right into the goddamned ground you fools.

We pay taxes. So, to put it into economic perspective for you greedymotherfuckers, we are all shareholders in the government. We pay their salaries. We create their wealth. We fund their ventures. And once every 2-4 years we have a ‘board meeting’ and decide which asshole can take this company in the right direction. As shareholders, we have the ultimate say in what the government does and as a result they are beholden to the will of the people who fund them. Who controls Blackwater? The answer is obviously Blackwater. They are given government contracts (which BTW means the aforementioned blockheads are giving Blackwater YOUR tax money). Once Blackwater gets our money, it becomes THEIR money. See how that works? The government just gave your money away to a private company that can do what it wants, doesn’t have to answer to us and frankly, Scarlet, doesn’t give a damn. Say what you want about the government- lord knows I do- but at least you have a fair say in what they chose to fuck up and who they decide to kill. I’ll always have my share of complaints about the government but compared to large multination corporations- it’s apples and a clockwork orange.

nine things i hate about you...

2008-03-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

#9- and the death penalty goes to...

The most interesting part of this debate is not what’s being said, but exactly the opposite- its peculiar absence from our national discourse. The death penalty gets about as much face time on the national news as Carrot Top’s past/current/future endeavors. For many of our western counterparts, the DP was one of the most fiercely argued issues of the last century- which saw the birth of the human rights’ movement- and remains a source of much discussion (almost always of the ‘anti’ ilk) today. what’s AMAZING is that for all of the legitimate questions about the death penalty’s effectiveness in preventing crime (it doesn’t), the fact that it has been imposed on innocent people (for shizzle) and the international disgust is draws from our allies worldwide (Sacrebleu!) ALL OF OUR CURRENT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES SUPPORT IT. The death penalty, it turns out, is as American as apple pie (filled with poisonous gas and electrified).

This is a worthwhile debate and should be an issue in this upcoming election but at this point a debate about Hillary’s hair or McCain’s face goiter is more likely (for what it’s worth, I am opposed to face goiters). We are frying innocent people, spending millions in the process and all for an ineffective and by some [read: French] accounts barbaric practice. What gives? Some states have seen the light but I do believe that this should be a national issue. An all-out ban on the death penalty is a necessary step in leaving our spaghetti western ways and joining the rest of the world in something we call the 21^st fucking century. Stop human BBQ.

ten things i hate about you series...

2008-03-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

a real quick overview of the top ten issues facing our generation in no particular order of hatred...

#10- guns ‘n retards

How many people have to die? How many school shootings does there need to be? Campuses are starting to look like police academies. Students are demanding the right to bring guns to school to protect themselves- and who eff can blame them? These days, you’re more likely to be shot in the face than pass honors chemistry. The statistics are staggering and things are getting worse. Studies show that the odds are astronomical that you will actually use a gun for something good- like preventing your house from being robbed, thwarting a car-jacker or making your ex-girlfriend realize that she made a big mistake dumping you. 9 billion times out of 10 (an interesting statistic indeed), you will probably just end up shooting me or Robert Downey Jr. as we accidentally stumble, drunk as Paula Abdul, into your living room because we’re 1) dyslexic when drunk and totally thought this was our house or 2) had to pee so badly we didn’t care.

People, come on. The Founding Fathers gave us the right to bear arms- this is true. They also owned slaves, wore curly grey wigs with powder in them and routinely died of the chicken pox. Times have changed and so have weapons. A school shooter in 1776 would have been lucky to kill more than one person, what with the time it took to reload a standard issue Musket. These days we’ve got easily accessible automatic weapons and kids with astounding aim (thanks, Xbox et al). America, get on board. We don’t need to hunt anymore. We can’t protect ourselves from carjackers with the gun we’ve got locked in a box under our bed. And your girlfriend WAS on point to dump your gun-toting ass. Guns, like the middle class, are a thing of the past…

things are getting hairy in washington...

2008-03-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

It looks like 2 out of 3 men agree that the best way to overcome a humiliating loss is to “stop taking care of yourself”. These days, when a man loses an election, he grows a beard. It’s really weird. And what’s weirder is that it kind of works.

Al Gore was a pansy in 2000 (for the record, I’ll still take a pansy over a maniacal ass-wipe clogging the drain of humanity any day). He lost the election and then he lost his mind. He put on weight, grew a beard and started doing things like ‘telling people what he really thought’. In 2000, Al Gore seemed like the kind of politician who waited for the polls to come in, discussed the polls with his most trusted advisors over a pot of tea and some scones, decided on a course of action and then called for a new crop of polls to find out what the reaction to said course of action might be, rinse, lather, repeat. Then he grew a beard, switched from green tea to Pabst Blue Ribbon, got his MoJo back and won a Nobel Prize. Not bad.

Now we’ve got Bill Richardson. He rode the fence for a while. Now that he’s sporting fuzz, he comes out with guns blazing to support Obama and seems likely to play a crucial role in this primary season’s “Latino Rodeo ‘08- Round ‘Em Up, Make ‘Em Vote, Send ‘Em Back”.

I’m not the kind of girl that digs beards, BO and beer guts but I strangely think there’s something to the whole beard = feared crap. Bill Richardson looks like the hitcher I almost picked up on the PCH this weekend.

god damn it...

2008-03-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

it would seem in honor of the J-Sizzlah joining the ranks of the undead to save all humanity from its sins, my neighbors have added password protection to their wireless internet. accordingly, my glorious 18-month run of internet thievery has come to a close. it is the end of an era. gone are the days of piracy and time warner bills under $190. i suppose this is my punishment for giving up only black licorice and candy corn for lent.

blagh.

hating is what i got...

2008-03-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

no:

lighter thieves- it's MY f-ing lighter. i bought it, i own it, i use it and i want it. if you borrow my lighter and then leave the party with it you're dead to me.

hummers- if i see your gasoholic hummer, i am putting a 'Fuck the Planet' bumper sticker on the back of it so everyone knows how you really feel. if you're an asshole with a hummer, you and your bumper BEWARE. (i will make an exception for hummers that are covered in mud and/or have extreme sports equipment on the roof- at least you're creating the illusion of needing your hummer for 'hummer-eque' activities)

supermarket self-checkout- i already feel like an asshole at the supermarket by myself on a friday night with a lean cuisine, toothpaste and a tub of hummus that could support a small middle eastern country for a day. what i don't need is your smug loudasfuck computer voice telling me how much my monistat 7 costs and reminding me to put my cliche purchases in the basket. i never do it right. never. if i wanted to be criticized, i'd call a relative. shut up.

people who don't follow rules- i'm a capricorn and as such, i save money and follow rules. YOU are fucking up my groove by blatantly ignoring the simple ones set forth by society. if the sign says don't walk DON'T WALK. if the spot says 'compact' take your SUV over to the 'i heart gasoline' spaces. drive fast in the left lane. high beams are only for dark mountain roads or tailgating your ex.

patriots without passports- you're not patriotic, you're idiotic. how can america be the best country on the face of the earth if you've never been anywhere else? you know, like how your wife tells you you're great in bed but you're the only guy that's ever tapped that shit?

The Mills-McCartney Settlement is in: Heather to get $48 million, or $16 million per limb…

2008-03-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

It’s ballsy to take on a Beatle but it looks like Heather didn’t lose her enormous set in the car accident that took her leg. She has gotten a lot of flak over her bitter divorce proceedings with Paul (“The Cute One”), which many music fans likened to “jerking off on Jesus”. During the increasingly vicious settlement hearings, there were allegations of abuse, anger management problems and neglect from Heather, who represented herself. For his part, Paul accused Heather of being a former high-priced call girl, a gold-digger and, most notably, of constantly walking in circles.

I’m a huge fan of the Beatles (the way one is, for instance, a fan of water) and think that Team Lennon-McCartney did for music what Dick Cheney does for Evil. They ARE music and for that, I will be eternally grateful to Mr. McCartney. I love the Beatles. My affection for the worlds first Boy Band aside, I think Mills was given a fair settlement, especially considering she birthed Paul a daughter. At the end of the day, I think we can just file this momentary blip on the radar somewhere along with “Ebony and Ivory” in terms of pain.

Competition! Worst titles for children’s books…

2008-03-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first Fucked Up Challenge’, or “F.U.C.” This week’s challenge is “Worst Titles for Children’s Books”. Please comment with your entries. The winner gets absolutely nothing except my respect, which if you know me is kind of like the opposite of a prize…here’s a few to get you started:

-“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”

-“Curious George and the Man in the White Van with Candy”

-“The Bernstein Bears Maul a Family in their Tents”

-“Goodnight Saigon”

-“Heather Has Two Mommies- But Neither of Them Love Her”

-“Playing with Matches for Dummies”

-“Everybody Poops. But You’re the Only Moron Who Does it in Your Pants”

-“4 Year Olds’ Guide to Emotional Manipulation”

-“Brocolli WILL Kill You”

-“Good Touch, Better Touch”

-“You’re Bad at Math and Other Reasons Mommy Left Us”

-“Of All My Children YOU Are My Favorite”

-“The Secret: You’re Too Dumb to Ever Make It”

--“Bi-curious George”

-“Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Dead-beat Dad”

-“Slaughterhouse 5^th Grade”

-“Earth is Dying, Just Like Grandma”

-“The Boogie Man is Real. Santa Clause is Fake”

-“Four Letter Words”

-“Fun with Guns”

-“Baby’s First Failure”

the hitler of the feline world arrested...

2008-03-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

New Rule: You are only allowed to have 1 cat for every 20 IQ points...

Some dumbass from Pittsburgh was just arrested for having over 750 DEAD OR DYING CATS on her property. The cat 'sanctuary-turned-mortuary' called Tiger Ranch Farm was raided after an undercover investigation by the humane society. What the eff people! Listen to Bob Barker and spay/neuter those sunsabitches for the love of god.

Does Ashley Alexander Dupre Spitzer or swallow?

2008-03-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Personally, my vote's for neither :)…but on to more important things. So the pussy’s out of the bag- apparently all 8 of them- and Spitzer’s going down hard and fast (which is, according to the hookers, not much different than his bedroom behavior). Politicians sleeping with hookers, mistresses and men in bathrooms is nothing new. Even old Jorge Washington probably had his knickers turned inside out more than a few times. Martha was cool and all, but Fort Ticonderoga was a cold, lonely place…sorry, reeling it in. So anyways, nothing is particularly revelatory about this story, but there are a few points to take note of:

1) Spitzer done fucked up. No question. However, the ratio of Democrats being investigated by the Bush Administration’s judicial department vs. Republicans is 6 TO 1. So basically, the Democrats are being politically ‘profiled’. Common sense would indicate that if you pull over 99 black people and 1 white person that a few of the black people will have drugs, guns and dead hookers in their trunks and the white person was only speeding because they have explosive diarrhea and leather seats and/or American Idol is starting in 4 minutes. Spitzer must pay the price for his actions, but there’s no doubt his prosecution was politically motivated ala Lewinski Gate.

2) The hooker that he got snagged snogging IS AWESOME. Have you seen Coyote Ugly?? Well meet Piper Perabo’s sluttly ‘Bizarro-bo’! She’s cute, she’s young, she’s from New Jersey and she moved the Big Apple to pursue her love of music. In the movie, Piper line-danced on bars, wore cowboy boots and met a hunky Australian who loved her for who she was inside. In this filthy Skinemax version, Bizzaro-bo danced on laps, wore a pearl necklace and met a balding semi-powerful politician who loved BEING inside her. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Ashley Alexander Dupre is having her music played on radio stations, got over 5 million hits to her myspace page and just turned a lowsy fuck into a million bucks. Ain’t that America?

Obama corners another demographic- sleeping girls ages 6-8

2008-03-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

Everything Barack Obama touches turns to butterflies and unicorns. Turns out, Hillary Clinton has the same effect, except with black licorice and tumors. In a monumental misstep by the Clinton campaign, it seems that the little girl in the infamous “It’s 3am” commercial (which Clinton used to secure a win in Texas’ primary) grew up to be…drumroll…a rabid Obama supporter. Not just any supporter, either. She’s been campaigning for him for months and was a ‘precinct captain’ at the caucus. I think a little book called “How to Google the Shit out of Anyone/Everyone to find out Anything/Everything Before you Fuck-Up Bigtime…For Dummies” just made it’s way onto every Clinton staff members’ desk.

Clinton’s campaign hasn’t made any comments about the “Largest Campaign Blunder Since Michael Dukakis' Tank Ride '88” but I’m willing to bet someone got a 3am call last night…

Sally Kern...she's bringing silly back.

2008-03-10T15:49:00.000-07:00

An awesome video is spreading like wildfire on You Tube. This chick, Sally Kern, from the Oklahoma House of Representatives gave this super anti-gay rant/speech to this group of nutbags and someone secretly recorded her and posted it. I just sent her an email and you should too! My email:

------------------

TO: Sally Kern
FROM: IHOP- Initiative for Helping OK People
SUBJECT: Official IHOP Proposal

THE IDEA:
You should probably resign.

BUT WHY?:
Because we are all watching that You Tube video. There are like half a million of us now that are all "listening" and it's only been 3 days. You are entitled to your views and the people of Oklahoma and this entire country are entitled to have people of vision and courage representing us- not narrow-minded hate-mongering simpletons (that would be YOU I'm referring to:)

DESIRED OUTCOME:
IHOP aims to make you accountable for your hate-filled and fact-devoid rant and accordingly so, force you to step down from your public office.

ALSO:
If you want the extreme right wing of your party to believe aforementioned 'hate-filled' speeches, you should consider getting a new haircut...you tooootally look gay.

Kisses,
The Dutchess of IHOP

------------------

bring down the cyber-hammer of democracy, one email at a time...

there IS something in the water…unfortunately it’s herpes cream.

2008-03-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

An Associated Press investigation released this weekend has found a ‘vast array of pharmaceuticals’ in US drinking water. Pill junkies everywhere are headed to faucets, my conspiracy theory obsessed uncle’s head burst into a million pieces and all of the sudden, my urinary tract infection has disappeared. Holy baby jesus in heaven, I couldn’t make this shit up if I smoked a pound of weed and watched JFK 12 times. There’s ibuprofen in the water! There are antibiotics in the water! For the love of christ, there are SEX HORMONES in the water!

The five-month long inquiry found trace amounts of almost every prescription drug under the sun in American drinking water. I wish that was the bad part, but shit into one hand and wish into the other and see which one fills up first. Further study revealed just HOW the drugs made it into the drinking supply: YOU pissed/shat them out. To elucidate:

11:55PM- you take Levitra for your erectile dysfunction and explain to your painfully insecure girlfriend that it’s a really common problem a lot of guys have and it has nothing to do with the gay porn she found in a Prada shoe box under a floor board under the bed last month.

11:59PM- after some passionate jerking off into aforementioned self-loathing girlfriend, you do what you always do after making love- go to the bathroom and read Men’s Health. That spinach quiche your best friend Stephen made you for dinner at book club isn’t sitting so well. It was a great quiche and Stephen is a great cook. He’s a great listener, too. He’s so fun to…oh no, your stomach explodes right out your ass. Contents of stomach include: spinach quiche, 3 raspberry martinis and Levitra. This one requires a double flush.

12:00AM- the “Levitraquichetini” water makes it’s way to your regional water treatment facility where it is cleaned and treated several times to remove the ‘quiche’ and ‘tini’. The water is tested carefully to ensure that no traces of vitamin rich spinach or sugary vodka remain. Once it has cleared inspection, the H2LevitrO is released into the drinking water supply.

9:17AM- I wake up still mildly stoned with a devastating red wine hangover after another night of Playstation Rock Band supremacy. Red and green are the new black and blue. I’ve still got plenty of time (2.5 minutes) to get ready for work. I throw my hair up (I’ll get several compliments on how my hair looks today, which makes me question the necessity/effectiveness of my morning beauty routine), finger brush my teeth (I have no idea which toothbrush is mine and I'm sure I have strep throat after last night), put on my clothes from Saturday (since I didn’t see anyone from work on Saturday) and ravenously down a cereal bowl of tap water, simultaneously revealing my severe dehydration AND my roommate and I’s inability to wash our dishes more than once a month.

9:22AM- I’m late for work, I’m still hungover, several birds with irritable bowel syndrome had a rave on my car last night, I just realized I put on the wrong bra for the shirt I’m wearing and both the car in front of me and behind me are competing for the ‘most likely to trigger blinding road rage’ award. Normally, I’d be on the verge of a seizure. But this morn, none of it seems to matter because I find the voice of Anderson Cooper (the podcast I’m listening to) strangely and absolutely alluring. In fact, his voice is downright sexy. I’m almost turned on. The thought of his silver hair and smoky eyes takes me…here’s my exit off the Freeway...aaaand, back to reality- where Anderson Cooper is gay and 360° has taken on a new meaning as the Levitra you crapped out has now come full circle and found its way back into the bloodstream of the unsuspecting and profoundly over-medicated population of America.

Hillary's...back?

2008-03-06T16:16:00.000-08:00

Well folks, this one’s gonna be a squeaker. I don’t know if anyone except the people who rig the electronic voting machines could have predicted how close and contentious this race would become. What started out as a growing unified chant from the left has turned into something that sounds distinctively more like the hostile dinner conversations I always find myself in at family reunions. Despite the punches being thrown on both sides, the increasingly negative tone the primary race has taken and the pecking to death of each other by two candidates who believe fiercely that THEY AND THEY ALONE can possess the ring without being seduced by it’s power…I’m still super psyched.

Regardless of who wins, I hope that whenever the Democrats finally are able to bestow the nomination, we can all put our differences aside and realize that we are united by a few common facts- we have a brains, we believe in real freedom, we think george w bush is one of the worst presidents this country has ever had, the war in iraq was a mistake of tragic proportions, dinosaur bones are real and so’s evolution, roe v. wade ROCKS, the government’s job is to help the people of America not Halliburton and richwhitefucks, coldplay’s new album is probably going to be awesome, the word is nuclear not nucular, AND finally, we are ready for politicians with integrity and vision and courage to take back the reins of this country and steer us out of the Britney Spears-like spiral we’ve been in since one blue-skied morning on September 11^th when 4 planes and american democracy were hijacked by men with sinister intentions.

Hillary and Barack- here’s the keys to the car baby, drive us home…

Norway goes Herway…Scandal Navia ‘08

2008-03-06T14:20:00.001-08:00

What the holy hell is going on in the land of ABBA? They just passed a law requiring that 40% of all employees be women. I’m all for the progress. I'm all for women. I voted for Hillary, I read the Vagina Monologues, I own the album Jagged Little Pill AND maybe I’m not wearing a bra right now...

What I’m not sure about is if requiring companies to fire men and hire women equals progress. Affirmative Action has always been a dicey proposal and Norway's move seems pretty radical for a country who brought us the raping/pillaging vikings. Will this mean that men who have worked at a company for years will be let go and women will fill their spots? Somehow this seems less like a victory and more like a workplace rampage waiting to happen. I’m curious to see if the law is applied across the board or if there are certain professions that may be exempt…

american idol’s david hernandez makes me feel funny inside…

2008-03-05T11:36:00.000-08:00

idol is back from the persistent vegetative state that was season 6. They’ve got style, they’ve got pipes and as it turns out, one of them has a matching leopard thong/bowtie set in his closet. Besides being able to turn people to stone with his laser beam eyes and causing small children to explode with his vibrato, david hernandez also gives a mean lap dance…but only if you’re swinging pole. Yesterday Perez Hilton, the president of the Gossipikstan, reported that david h. was a stripper and bartender in a gay bar for men. Amid all the rumors, david decided to put the issue to rest BY SINGING A CELINE DION SONG. Hmmm, that reminds me of the time I tried to prove I wasn’t too drunk to drive by throwing up in a bush on the corner of K and 14^th…god I miss college.

Scary eyeball male strippers aside, I really am loving this season so far. a few of my early favorites:

David Archuletta- issue a pre-emptive amber alert because if I see this kid, I’m taking him. If jordan sparks was prozac, this kid is ecstasy…

Jason Castro- despite being related to the former/current dictators of cuba*, this kid had me at hallelujia. couldn’t love him more, and I’m just so glad I can’t smell his dreds through my HDTV.

*toootally made this up

Carly Smithson- she’s got it all- tattoos, a magically delicious voice and a green card. The “luvly” irish lilt tops it all off. If she plays the fiddle, I might have a seizure of joy.

Brooke White/Amanda Overmyer- I love these two because I can’t help thinking about how, if this were high school, these girls wouldn’t talk. Brooke "Sunny Side Up" White and Amanda "3^rd Trailer on the Left" Overmyer don’t strike me as a pair that would share a solar system, let alone a national stage. Just another reason you gotta love the idol- bringing all kinds of stereotypes together on one stage since 2002.

Meet the face of Lancôme’s new scent “Pure Evil”- David Motari

2008-03-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

Do you know David Motari? If you don’t, keep reading. If you do, kindly send me his address and cell number cause I’m feeling deranged. That’s right Motari, live in fear. God, I love Internet justice. It’s like Walker Texas Ranger but with a 14-year-old hacker with acne from New Jersey. I digress.

David Motari is the ‘star’ of a new viral You Tube video currently making a cyber tsunami. The video depicts David, a Marine Lance Corporal serving in Iraq, throwing a puppy YES A PUPPY off of a cliff. The video is disturbing to say the least. Immediately after watching it, I had an unstoppable urge to:

a) Harm inanimates with my desk stapler*

b) Send a thinly veiled threat to Mr. Motari**

c) Stop eating meat***

d) Join a gym and get stacked ala GI Jane then quit my job and start stalking and harassing Mr. Motari until the thought of death would seem like a blessed reprieve****

This guy is a mother fucking dirt bag. After I reacted so viscerally to this video, I wondered why seeing him throw a puppy was more disturbing to me than any of the other war images I’ve seen out of Iraq. I think that it has something to do with the fact that puppies are like children- they are defenseless, they are dependent on us and sometimes they poop on our carpet. In a weird way, they are the very symbol of how far humans have come.

The fact that humanity has risen above the most basic ‘survival of the fittest’ and fostered a rich civilization in which we no longer have to worry about wooly mammoths and surviving minute to minute but can do things like paint pictures, listen to books on tape and lots of other stupid/beautiful things like take care of adorable but kind of useless (in a Darwinian sense) pets and those less fortunate than us is astounding and powerful and completely amazing. This douche bag just took all that and threw it off a cliff. How’s that for a fucking metaphor?

*R.I.P. Mr. tape dispenser- you dispensed so well.

**Consider this said threat fucker ;)

***After careful thought, I’ve compromised and will no longer be eating puppy meat.

****Luckily for you, Mr. Motari, I hate gyms almost as much as I hate animal cruelty.

hussein is the new hitler...

2008-02-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

Republicans today formally denounced the use of Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein. Soooo, okay, let me just get this all down. What you're saying is that the Republican party stands up against injustice..."Hussein" is a derogatory word...Using it would deter people from voting for the bearer of this name...And the war is on terror, not on Islam. Got it, thanks. What difference do names really make anyways?

musings on the confusing...

2008-02-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

Mr. Motorcylist- why do you speed between my car and the car next to me when we are stuck in traffic? Is it because you think I WON’T open up my car door as you speed past?

Paula Abdul- why don’t you put the rumors to rest and have a transparent beverage glass on stage instead of that suspicious red coke cup with an oversized straw in it? Let the American people judge whether it’s jack and coke or semi-finalist sperm in there.

Homeless Man Who Lives Between My Apartment Building and the Building Next Door- why do you threaten to ass rape all those who pass by? When you don’t follow through on your threats, you seem lazy. If you do, you’ll be incarcerated. This seems like a lose/lose situation, but then again I imagine you’ve seen a few of those…

The LAPD Cops Who Pulled Me Over On My Bicycle- yes, I was riding my bike at 2 am in a gang area with no lights or reflectors and listening to my ipod in a haze of stoned/drunk gaiety. but you pulled over a happy girl on a rusty pink beach cruiser with a basket so who’s the real asshole, asshole?

Roller Goth A.K.A. ‘the girl in the motorized wheelchair with purple hair and facial piercings’- You nearly ran me over on more than one occasion in college. In understand your frustration- I’m sure there were times I seemed to be flaunting my ability to walk by…well, walking. Also, I know that there was no posted ‘motorized wheelchair speed limit’ at our academic institution. However, I also know you saw me walking on the quad path and I distinctly heard your mini-engine rev as you clipped the back of my ankles. Also- when no one was looking- I saw your wheelchair break down. Then I saw you get out of your disabled wheelchair and walk away. And yes, that was me that screamed “ROLLER GOTH CUNT!” real loud.

Purveyor Of My Assorted Student Loans- you see fit to charge me exorbitant interest, increase my monthly payments at will/with no warning and provide me little in the way of customer service, speaking with actual people or control over my financial future. i am 27 now and have bigger fish to fry [read: I’m 27 and lazy] but know this:

someday, I will destroy you. i don’t know how, i don’t know when and i have limited resources or legal standing to do so- but I will destroy you. it’s time for your monthly payment, bitches.

How to get your abs in shape for this tax season…

2008-02-20T16:34:00.001-08:00

In a feat of monumental stupidity (move over Wesley Snipes!) I’ve been claiming ‘9’ on my tax forms all year and now I’m fairly sure that I’m wanted in California for tax evasion. Wow. I’m kind of in shock right now at the amount of money I am going to owe the federal government. To top it all off, this was the year I finally decided to take control of the 'ship of my financial destiny'. Turns out, my ship is named Titanic and an iceberg called “Duh, Dipshit” is headed my way. I really can’t believe that after all the financial responsibility* I took this year, I’m still in the red...

*I got my credit score on freecreditscore.com just like the commercials told me to do. I paid down, like, a few hundred dollars on my credit cards and opened up a few more. I started a savings account that I only dip into for emergencies like November rent. I watched almost a half hour of that Suze Orman show on CNN one Sunday morning when I was mega hung over after a night of wining, dining and atm withdrawls. I traded in a perfectly good car I owned outright for a new car with high monthly payments, so-so interest and a sweet ass navigation syst…oh. Wait. I'M A TOTAL ASSHOLE.