A pregnant woman was charged with a DUI this week in America’s apparent penal colony for retards, ne’er-do-wells and pedophilic sociopaths- Florida. Once famous for it’s warm waters, endless coastline, hot nightlife and Golden Girls, Florida has slowly begun to lose its sheen. Of the 50 states, Florida has become the alcoholic uncle at Thanksgiving- you have to invite him, but his fly is down, he’s on coke and he’ll probably steal some of your silverware.
As a child, Florida evoked thoughts of Mickey Mouse, the ‘Big Ball’ at Epcot Center, third degree sunburn and sugar highs previously unimaginable. As a college co-ed, Florida meant spring break, insane clubs with toilet paper guns, drunken walks on moonlit beaches and cheap available drugs. However, in the last few years- as many people have begun to notice- Florida has taken on a distinctive Rosemary’s Baby flavor.
Sordid stories from the Sunshine State (an amazing name for an album, indeed) abound. America is a big country and so we’re full of fuck-ups, alcoholics, druggies and weirdoes. However, an inordinate amount of them seem to be Tampa Bay Buccaneer fans. Every day, I can count on a news story from Florida involving a baby, a microwave, a meth lab and an ex-cast member of The Mickey Mouse Club. There are kids being kidnapped out of their own trailers, pedophile murderers on every corner (who, coincidentally have their very own trailer park called “Kissimmee…NOW”), seven year olds stealing their grandmother’s cars, serial killers on campuses, wasted pregnant chicks on the road, hanging chads, and the list goes on.
I don’t know what’s behind the shit-show Florida has become but I have a theory involving a baby, a microwave and Jeb Bush.
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