Commentary: A Requiem for a Dream Wedding

FORWARD: I apologize in advance for the length of this post. For those of you with little time- the entire op-ed below can be abridged to: “Yay for gay marriage!!” Fear not, lots of short frivolous posts to come. Okay, for those of you with less-than-engaging jobs, onward.

Without a doubt, the last two weeks have been either incredible or incredibly awful- depending on which side of the marriage equality debate you find yourself on. In just half a month, the number of states allowing same-sex marriage has doubled- from two to four. What’s more, these two particular victories in Vermont & Iowa are far more than simple ticks on a scoreboard because both of them represent a unique kind of victory for the marriage equality movement. Regardless of your stance, there is no doubt that this issue is one of rising importance and that the prevailing winds are shifting- in a decidedly progressive direction. Yes evangelicals, the clouds are gathering. But don’t worry…because it’s raining skittles!!

So what made the Vermont ruling so significant? Well, for starters, it wasn’t a “ruling” at all. For the first time, a state legalized same-sex marriage through its legislature rather than its Supreme Court. The VT House of Representative’s presented a bill, passed it handily and the State Senate followed suit. There was a momentary scare when VT’s Governor, Republican Archie Bunker, said he’d veto it if it made it on to his desk. The Governor can veto any bill unless it’s passed by a 2/3 majority- a steep requirement given how divisive this issue is. Despite the threat of a veto (or perhaps because of it) Vermont’s legislature overrode the Governor’s veto with a three pointer (technically a 2/3er) at the buzzer. The bill passed and the tally went to three states that allow same-sex marriage.

Finally, marriage equality was handed down from elected representatives instead of so-called ‘activist judges’- a blow to the argument often cited by the Protect Marriage crew. But the Governor’s veto itself (though it was overruled) was also significant. Conservatives have long argued that it’s not fair for the decisions of a few judges to overrule the will of the people. However, the Governor’s attempt to veto this bill (along with similar vetoes by CA Governor Schwarzenegger back in 2005 and 2007) did essentially the same thing. The people of Vermont elected their representatives. Those representatives REPRESENTED the people of Vermont- and voted by a majority to legalize same-sex marriage. Despite that, the Governor saw fit to veto the will of the people’s representatives and push his own agenda. The example is not completely apples to apples (since the Governor is elected unlike some judges) but the overarching point stands-the Governor was poised to discard the majority’s decision to serve his own interests. This fact could serve to neutralize this as an effective argument from those on the Right in future debates on the issue.

Next to the plate was Iowa. I think I speak for many when I say that my reaction to the ruling was “Iowhaaa??” It was a stunning victory in a heartland state that came just as those in Massachusetts and Connecticut had- from the state’s Supreme Court. But what makes it significant is not the decision itself, which fell short of the sweeping legal statements made in the California Supreme Court's decision, but that it tackled head-on and put to rest some of the (faulty) claims made so often by the Protect Marriage camp.

From the beginning, there’s been an internal debate among those who’ve fought for marriage equality as to whether it should be presented as a ‘gay’ thing at all. Until now, the prevailing wisdom has been- um, no- definitely not. This stance is based on the fear that if you present the issue as a ‘gay’ one, you lose every time. Follow? People don’t like gays and so if Prop 8 were called- “I Heart Gays- Check Yes or No”, it would go down in flames (pun very much intended). So- keep it sterile and inclusive and safely in the realm of puppies and unicorns (straight puppies and unicorns, of course) and you’ve got a shot. Except that the “No on 8” campaign didn’t present it as a gay issue- and they still lost. Until the quintessential fear- let’s call it the “Super Gay Elephant in the Room”- at the heart of this debate is challenged and conquered, any victory will be a hollow one.

The CA Supreme Court’s ruling was a legal argument delivered with a neat, tidy legalese [read: inaccessible to common folk] that said, basically, due to the language already present in the California State Constitution their hands were tied and so they couldn’t deny marriage rights to anyone (yes, even gays). They weren’t extending marriage rights to gay people; they simply couldn’t deny them those rights, or any others for that matter, because of the pesky Constitution, see?

And THIS is where the Iowa ruling shines for it’s nothing less than a manifesto for marriage equality- and a far less burdened and legalistic one at that. Of course, they used all the same legal arguments and framework that other courts have- we can’t discriminate, the constitution says so, all men are created equal, blah blah blah. But then they took it further- A LOT further.

They said, in no short order, that marriage is a civil right that cannot be denied to anyone, that gay people fall under the category of “anyone” and that denying them that right violates not only the equal protection clause of Iowa’s Constitution but also the same clause present in the US Constitution (though they were careful not to hit that point home too hard, lest Justice Scalia’s head explode). They also tackled the usually hands off issue of whether being gay is a choice. This is an issue that has stumped many before, because if you can’t prove that homosexuality is an inborn and unchangeable state, then how can you protect it with the same vigor as, say, race or ethnicity or gender? The Iowa court neutralized this by citing one of the experts called to the stand- a retired psychiatrist AND…a witness for the defense. The psychiatrist cited studies’ showing that sexual orientation is not fixed and that it has been proven to change in individuals over time. So, it’s a choice then. Slam dunk for the defense, right? Nope. The judges asked a simple but all-important follow-up question. They asked what the effects of changing sexual orientation were on those individuals that did so or attempted to. Were there any negative effects when a person was pressured- by family or religion or just the collective pressure of living in a society that doesn’t condone or accept their ‘choice’- to reverse their sexual orientation? Drum roll please…because the expert conceded that there are indeed studies that show that trying to change one’s orientation is harmful- in some cases extremely so- to psychiatric health. He shoots, he scores…awe, but for the other team. This essentially negated the defense's argument because if you CAN’T prove that it’s a choice for everyone but you DO know that attempts to change it have been proven harmful, then the nature/nurture argument is off the table. Now that being gay was (or could not be proven otherwise) just like race or gender- it had to be protected. With that, the judges’ hands were free to address a slew of other topics including most notably: gay parenthood.

Numerous experts were brought in and studies were cited, all saying the same thing: the sexual orientation of a parent had no ill effects on the health and stability of their children. What they proved instead was that a stable home- straight OR gay- was the only determining factor in the well being of a child. Furthermore, they reasoned, since marriage and all the legal and societal protections it provides is an ideal arrangement for providing a stable home- preventing gay parent’s from marrying was tantamount to creating a less stable environment in which to raise children. Got that? In order to “protect our children” (an argument cited so often by the Protect Marriage folks), you must allow gay parents to marry. They shoot, and they score…again for the other team. Some of the most basic arguments used by those against gay marriage- that being gay is a choice and that gay marriage will endanger our children- were turned on their heads and used as the basis for marriage equality. Taste that? That’s sweet victory. (I just noticed the letters spelling ‘irony’ are found within the word victory. Coincidence?)

We can only hope that these two victories are just the beginning of larger things to come. Though the loss of Proposition 8 was heartbreaking, it’s proving to be just the galvanizing moment so many people needed to start getting real about marriage equality. There’s no doubt too that part of this movement’s success owes a great deal to the inspiring campaign of Barack Obama (and of Hillary Clinton- whoop whoop!). The election motivated so many of us to get involved in our government and in our communities to pull the country back from the moral, financial and political abyss it was perched on. While Obama himself has still failed to go so far as to support gay marriage, I believe he has been sending us secret messages about it (you know, like the Terrorist Fist Bump). During his remarkable acceptance speech (aaand, cue nostalgic goose bumps), he said that our work has just begun and that his victory and any victories to come would not be his- but ours. Our president, representatives, judges or anyone in power won’t do anything unless we make them. Their job is simply to represent our will, lobby for our interests and to shape this country into one that reflects the spirit and character we demand. So it’s our job to force their hand. Obama won’t support gay marriage or anything else important to us until our collective voices- which are growing to a crescendo every day- tell him he must. He is a man of reason and so when reason dictates that he reassess his stance on this issue- he will. Democracy is a bitch, turns out. A good dictatorship requires only a good dictator. But a good democracy requires that we ALL be dictators- of our own fate.

Write your representatives, call your congressmen and women and talk to your neighbors and co-workers. Every battle is won one vote at a time and continuing to rely on the goodwill- or even good judgment- of those in power simply won’t suffice. Make it a priority, get involved in something and be a part of your solution. Our democracy depends on nothing less.

The Greater Wall of China

Turns out the Great Wall of China is a full 3,850km (or a bunch of miles) longer than was previously thought. Former estimates were based on historical records and put the Great Wall at only 5,000km. This development reveals two important things-

1) 3,850km of previously buried sections of the Great Wall AND

2) that despite the long-held and popularly accepted stereotype, not ALL Asian people are good at math (a theory that first took hold when it was revealed that China didn't know the difference between the numbers 14 and 16.)

UPDATE: A new US Geological report has acknowledged that due to a surveying error in 1868, the location of the famous “Four Corners” (where the states of CO, UT, NM & AZ meet) is actually 2 ½ miles west of where it’s supposed to be. Four Corner Gate sent shock-waves through the RV/retiree communities and safely returned the stereotype “human calculators” to Asia.

Miss CA loses Miss USA, wins Miss Informed

In this week’s Miss USA competition, Miss California- Carrie Prejean- was given the most controversial question of the night. Perez Hilton was the questioner and he asked the Aryan beauty whether she supported gay marriage being legalized in California. Her nuanced answer- “no, I prefer opposite marriage” (I wish I was kidding), drew boos from the crowd and may have cost her the title, which she only lost by an ironic or heartbreaking 2.5%. But fret not; in a Fox News interview after her/our loss, Carrie was all vacant smiles. She said that though she’s sad she didn’t win, she’s proud of her answer and felt that it was a test given to her by God- a test she passed by staying true to the beliefs passed down to her by biblical revisionists and various relatives. She later added that "things would have been different if God was on the panel of activist judges."

Scumbag Thousandaire

The father of one of the young stars of Slumdog Millionaire reportedly tried to sell his daughter for $300,000. An investigation is underway to determine the validity of the accusations but the father has claimed that it was all just a misunderstanding. He then dug a his own grave just a little bit deeper by adding that the filmmakers had not paid his daughter enough for the work she did in the Oscar-winning film about impoverished Indian children with abusive guardians who use them for money and...Oh, okay, wait. Got it now. Life imitating art imitating awful.

Mel-icious Hypocrisy

Just days after Mel Gibson’s wife of 28 years filed for divorce, a Russian pop star (who’s 4 years younger than Gibson’s marriage) named Oksana Pochepa has come forth saying that she and Mel have been having an affair since last August. She says the two are “in love” which, in Russian, roughly translates to- “he’s sooo rich!” You know what Mel? You bother me. A lot. You’ve got a lot of nerve making a movie like the Passion of the Christ and talking about how gays and Jews and Blacks are the problem. Question: How’s the sanctity of your marriage? Follow-up question: What would Jesus drink while driving? As they say in that book you love so much- people in glass houses…

But there's good news for those of us who believe in something from another book called “Karma, Bitch” because it looks like someone forget to get a pre-nup. Awe- that’s really too bad. It’s shaping up to be an epic court battle in which the wacktastic Mel will almost certainly be crucified in the media...“The Passion of the D-Bag”, anyone?

an almost year in review

It’s been almost a year since I last posted and there’s so much to write about. But before I add to the cacophony of Today, I figured an “11-month in review” was in order.

In political news- Hillary Clinton lost and Obama won. John Mccain belonged somewhere in that last sentence. Sarah Palin rode aforementioned Penguin’s coattails to inspire reverie in hockey mom’s everywhere and the exact opposite in moose/wolves/PhD holders. Joe the Plumber rode America’s failing schools’ coattails to become a relevant (?) political voice. Obama’s victory cemented the Democrat’s copyright on the words “Hope” and “Change”, while the Republicans managed to retain the rights to “White”, “Git ‘em” and the phrase “Ronald Regan was better than anyone you mentioned.” Obama blasted the Bush Administration’s use of torture and campaigned on a promise to end it, only to reverse his stance just weeks after the election saying only, “I thought Jimmy Fallon really held his own.”

In economic news- foiled again. But enough about the whiney world slipping into darkness…I filed my 2008 taxes, got a decent return but still didn’t qualify for the stimulus rebate (phew!), which reaffirms my place on the socio-economic ladder as “one rung above the completely effed, two rungs above West Virginia, and three rungs below free of college loans”.

In cultural news- Disney green lit the 4^th installment of it’s lucrative Pirates juggernaut, casting Don Cheadle or Terrence Howard or Samuel L. Jackson as the lead in Pirates of Somalia: The Curse of Crushing Poverty. The New York Times reported that reporting is dead, drank itself to sleep and then choked on it’s own Style Section word vomit. Gay marriage was criminalized in California and legalized in Iowa, causing many Californians to have the same reaction I had when I watched this (how’d he do that? No, really). Britney Spears has extensions, sobriety and a ‘crush’ on one of her new dancers, which seems like it could be a good idea- on opposite day.

In personal news- My little sister is having a baby…so I’m adding “kooky Aunt” to my resume…which I’m sending out because I’m unemployed…and I’m unemployed because I quit my job…during a recession…a fact that either confirms my fearlessness, stupidity, attachment to my soul, or inability to amass piles of money…and quite possibly all four.

In general, my disposition these days is that of a person who has just boarded Shit Your Pants Rollercoaster despite the signage warning those with neck and back problems or questionable bowel control to just take the kids to the Tea Cups and call it a day. It’s a mixture of anticipation and terror but all with the supreme faith that no matter what, I’m going to get one hell of an overpriced photo out of it…

America-1, Common Sense- 0...

A new poll says that 70% of the people in the US think that “things are going badly in the US”.  Cool.  That number is up from 48% two years ago.  But really, who cares?  I mean, everyone I know thinks things are going shitty.  It costs $89 to fill up your tank, $27 for milk and eggs and you just used your $300 ‘stimulus’ check to pay off a wee fraction of the interest on your maxed out credit card.

I’m far more curious about the 30% of people who said that they think the US is “on the right track” and that things are “going well”.  As someone who, sadly, no longer believes in unicorns, I just really can’t believe this number.  Even if (and that’s a big if unless your last name is Rockefeller, Bush or Google) things are going well for you personally- surely it’s apparent that they aren’t going well for other people.   So where can a number this large (roughly 90 million Americans) come from? 

Well, in a new poll conducted by the “part of my brain responsible for reasoning”, some answers have come to light about just who the 30% of Americans that still take their overpriced eggs sunny side-up are:

BREAK DOWN OF 30% OF AMERICANS WHO THINK “AMERICA IS ON THE RIGHT TRACK”:

crayola announces new color- shanghai smog...

Yesterday, scientists announced that China has overtaken the US as the world’s #1 producer of CO2 emissions.  Experts have predicted that this would happen for quite some time, but what no one predicted was just how soon it would happen…as in, like, yesterday. 

This is terrible news for China- whose attempts at “Disney-fication” in the lead up to the 2008 Beijing Olympics have been foiled repeatedly by The Truth.  This is also terrible news for the US- a country obsessed with being number one.  Our fall to #2 signifies not only our definitive deposition as the world’s leader in manufacturing but an alarming lack of focus on maintaining current levels of asshole-dom.  What’s next?  Will parents in China be telling their children (whoops- child) to finish all their lo-mien because there are starving children in West Virginia? 

Mostly, it spells disaster for Space Ship: Earth.  China holds the title of the world’s worst polluter and has managed to do it while still:

-       Maintaining the one child per couple rule

-       Going to the bathroom in holes in the ground

-       Riding mopeds/bicycles/rickshaws everywhere

Can you imagine what will happen to the planet when China actually has twins, toilets and Toyota Tundra’s?  How can the US, in good conscience, ask China to do its part when we clearly have not done ours when it comes to the environment?  Our industrial revolution came at a time when we were able to make machines that polluted, but were unable to measure and/or were unaware of the effects of many of them.  Ignorance is bliss- bliss and cash, turns out.  Now that China’s at the threshold of modernity, are we pulling the Oriental rug out from under them?  Clearly something must be done- by the world and by China- to curb China’s pollution.  But it is imperative that the US and the rest of the world lead the way before we can ask more of China. 

On a selfish note- oil is sooooooo 20^th Century.  The only way the US can stay on top and avoid the flaming death spiral that has befallen so many other great powers is to get ahead of the curve now.  And we have got to figure this out quickly because in a few more years, the world will be 10 degrees hotter, Florida will be underwater and those little trinkets China makes that we’ve all becomes so fond of will become self-aware and destroy us.

babwa wawa...an affaiw to wemembew...

Barbara Walters has just revealed that she had an affair with a married US Senator, Edward Brooke, during the late 1960's.  Brooke was the first African-American Senator ever popularly elected to the Senate.  The story came out during Walters' appearance on Oprah to discuss her new autobiography "Audition".  This revelation is stunning for a number of reasons:

1-  Millions of Americans are seeing the vulnerable, imperfect side of Barbara Walters for the first time.

2- Millions of Americans have now been forced to picture Barbara Walters having sex.  

3- Millions of Americans have just learned that Barack Obama isn't the first black US Senator.

I've always respected Barbara Walters.  Now I worship her.  What a bad ass!  For decades, Barbara has turned the public mirror on the imperfections of others in her notoriously sappy and emotional interviews- cheaters, liars, criminals, crazy people (what up, Heche*) and the like.  It definitely takes some integrity to turn that mirror on yourself.  Well done, you old trollop.

*Heche- total sidenote- I saw you riding bikes with that dude from Men in Trees like two weeks ago in Venice.  It took every ounce of self-control in me (and the desperate urging of those around me) to not scream- CELESTIA!  

reno 911, will this be cash or credit?

Steve Fossett’s widow is being billed $687,000 by the state of Nevada to reimburse them for the money they spent searching for the downed adventurer last year.  The request, which is apparently unusual, comes in the midst of a $900 million budget shortfall in the state.  A few things bother me about this:

1)   They’re billing widows to balance the budget?  I’ve heard of kicking a man when he’s down, but kicking the wife of a dead guy is an all-new low.  Have a heart, Nevada.  She’s lost her husband and you’ve lost your dignity- let’s call it even. 

2)   If you do something Darwin award worthy* and you go missing, I can see the government asking for you or your next of kin to help with the cost.  But if you’re just a guy flying a plane, driving a car, hiking a trail, or otherwise living your life- what they fuck?!  Why do we pay taxes?  I’ll tell you why I pay taxes- so the pothole at the end of my street is fixed, my kids have schools to go to AND if I go missing at Burning Man, someone, somewhere will look for me.

*Examples: driving drunk, diving with sharks, living in New Orleans…

3)   Shouldn’t they only be able to bill you IF THEY FIND THE GUY?  I mean, when the jackass plumber* my landlord hired tried to fix my bathtub but instead created a large leak from which steaming hot water spewed on a constant basis, we said sorry- no money until our bathroom doesn’t feel like a swamp, ese.  Nevada- she’ll pay you when you finally locate her husband’s rotting corpse.  Till then, no carcass, no service.

*I suspect this “plumber” was actually someone who owed my landlord money and possessed a wrench.

wright is wrong...and i eat my words.

Juuuust a little follow-up to a previous post I wrote about Reverend Jeremiah Wright.  The post was about how I DIDN'T want to talk about Wright the man- but about the actual words of his 'controversial' sermon, many of which I didn't find controversial at all.  

Well now, real quick, I WOULD like to talk about Wright the man. 

What an effin' douche bag.  What kind of ego-maniac do you have to be to make some of the statements and speeches this 'man of god' has made?  Though I still stand behind my previous post and believe that the words of Reverend Wright's speech deserve more discussion than the man himself or his  relationship to Obama, I would now also like to add that Reverend Wright is a manipulative, arrogant, bitter old cobweb of a man.  Clearly, the 'powers'  and 'moral authority' he has been given by years of preaching to his eager congregation of sheep worshipers has gone to his head.  That kind of hubris is usually reserved for rich white men with radio shows, but it looks like Jeremiah Wright has been drinking the Koolaid.   

What happened to turning the other cheek?  What happened to friendship?  What happened to taking one for the team?  It is one thing to stick up for yourself- I watch Lifetime Television for women and Enough is enough.  But the cocky, disparaging tone Reverend Wright employed during his speech was more reminiscent of Don King than Martin Luther.  His speech was a betrayal of Obama, a betrayal of his Christian beliefs and, if Obama loses, perhaps a betrayal of the American people.  This week, Reverend Wright showed his true colors- and they had nothing to do with his skin.

for everything else, there's florida...

A pregnant woman was charged with a DUI this week in America’s apparent penal colony for retards, ne’er-do-wells and pedophilic sociopaths- Florida.  Once famous for it’s warm waters, endless coastline, hot nightlife and Golden Girls, Florida has slowly begun to lose its sheen.  Of the 50 states, Florida has become the alcoholic uncle at Thanksgiving- you have to invite him, but his fly is down, he’s on coke and he’ll probably steal some of your silverware.

As a child, Florida evoked thoughts of Mickey Mouse, the ‘Big Ball’ at Epcot Center, third degree sunburn and sugar highs previously unimaginable.  As a college co-ed, Florida meant spring break, insane clubs with toilet paper guns, drunken walks on moonlit beaches and cheap available drugs.  However, in the last few years- as many people have begun to notice- Florida has taken on a distinctive Rosemary’s Baby flavor. 

Sordid stories from the Sunshine State (an amazing name for an album, indeed) abound. America is a big country and so we’re full of fuck-ups, alcoholics, druggies and weirdoes.  However, an inordinate amount of them seem to be Tampa Bay Buccaneer fans.  Every day, I can count on a news story from Florida involving a baby, a microwave, a meth lab and an ex-cast member of The Mickey Mouse Club.  There are kids being kidnapped out of their own trailers, pedophile murderers on every corner (who, coincidentally have their very own trailer park called “Kissimmee…NOW”), seven year olds stealing their grandmother’s cars, serial killers on campuses, wasted pregnant chicks on the road, hanging chads, and the list goes on.

I don’t know what’s behind the shit-show Florida has become but I have a theory involving a baby, a microwave and Jeb Bush.

and in my dream last night...i could read!

This morning I woke up an hour too early because I’m staying at a hotel and the room clock was wrong and I, like some sort of recently unfrozen cave woman, didn’t check it against my cell phone.  As I rushed to get ready at 7:15am [read: 6:fucking15 am] I was rather groggy.  CNN.com and their array of carnage, mug shots and ‘Medical Nightmares’ with Sanjay Gupta usually put a little lead in my pencil, so I decided to log on and wake up.  I saw this and almost pooped my pants for a second:

Aaaaaaaaaand look closer:

Clearly I am a retard and it was “barracks” and not “Barack's”.  Apparently, I’m like Cinderella with reading and if I try to do it before 8am, I’m as smart as a pumpkin.  But really, am I the ONLY one on earth who made this mistake.  Also, if it had been “Barack's” and not “barracks”- what a headline.  It’s so descriptive.  

honey! i locked the kids in the basement...

At this point in my life, there are few things that shock me.  As a devout cynic and someone who’s seen every movie Ingmar Bergman ever made, I am well aware of how effed some people are and that the world can be and usually is a rough place.  When the Elliot Spitzer got caught with his ATM card in a hooker, I didn’t bat an eye.  When I read about kids getting kidnapped or 7 year olds stealing cars (true.) I think- oh, Florida, what’s wrong with you now?  But there are still some stories take my breath away, and this is one of them…

Picture it.  Austria.  1984.  This guy locks his own daughter in the basement.  And then, he keeps her there for 24 years.  He rapes her every day and ends up fathering 6 children by her.  And then, he still lives with his wife- you know, the girl’s mother- the whole time but she has no idea that he has locked their daughter in the basement and has started a little warped family down there- like Fraggle Rock meets Silence of the Lambs.  He tells his wife that she ran away.  That seems plausible.  Then he tells his wife that their delinquent daughter showed up at their doorstep and left one of her kids for them to take care of.  Well, that was kind of a dick move but ok.  Then he says she did it again.  And then again.  So now they’ve got 3 grandkids, no daughter and something smells in the basement…

At what point, as a mother, do you ask yourself- what the hell?  Why does she keep showing up when I’m not home?  Also, at what point to you wonder where all that food has disappeared to?  And for that matter, when do you wonder why your husband’s been in the basement for 7 hours, or why there is a dead baby in the oven (yes, it’s true) or why you’re never allowed in the basement.  I gotta say- of all the information in the story- that’s the dead giveaway to me.  If someone tells me to never, EVER go somewhere, I’m usually certain that they’ve got hostages and/or dead hookers and/or a sex swing there. 

The sadistic man who did this to his own daughter will certainly pay the price (though there is no way to actually make him pay the way he should…unless there’s something about Austrian law I don’t know).  But what I want to know is, can you be charged with Stupid?  I know it kind of opens a can of worms but I think I’m ready to do it.  I’m ready for the goddamned worms.  Bring it, morons of the world.

right as wright...

I saw Rev. Jeremiah Wright on the Bill Moyers Show this week. Just to get it out of the way- Bill Moyers is amazing and is probably one of a handful of people that could actually save the press in this country. Love love love him. Ok, so back to Jeremiah Wright.

I am NOT going to talk about whether or not I think Obama bears some burden of responsibility for the words of his preacher because I think that is preposterous. Obama bears as much responsibility for what Jeremiah Wright says as I bear for what George W. says and if the theorum the media and Republicans are spouting holds- it turns out I am a mildly retarded brush clearer from Silver Spoon, TX. I am not George W. and, unfortunately for the verbose, I am unable to control what comes out of his mouth, as Obama is unable to control what comes out of Rev. Wrights’. Case closed. Jeez.

I am NOT going to talk about whether or not Jeremiah Wright is hurting Obama’s presidential bid or whether he was kind in his interview with Bill Moyers or whether his speech at the NAACP thing was tactful or not. The truth is that I don’t really care. I mean, I care whether or not a Democrat wins in November but as you can see from above- I really think all this hoopla over Jeremiah Wright is a real hack job.

Jeremiah Wright should be a non-issue, especially when there are so many other real issues to talk about. All of this media play he’s getting and the stream of ‘news’ anchors and political analysts trying to figure out what effect this will have on the campaign is just absolutely AMAZING. I mean, amazing. People are dying (so’s the economy). Iraq is in shambles (so’s the middle class). People want to kill us (and so do the terrorists). For this to be getting more play than Darfur, et. al. is unconscionable- as is ANY of the fluff we get force-fed on a 15-minute news loop. So I DON’T want to talk about Jeremiah Wrights effect on Obama’s bid. I DON’T want to talk about religion and politics and the incest going on between them. I DON’T want to talk Jeremiah Wright the man, the preacher or any of that.

What I would LOVE to talk about is the actual god damned speech if you’ll pardon the pun. The words of the speech are what I want to talk about because…holy mary mother of god...THEY ARE TRUE. Every single word in his ‘hate-filled, anti-American’ speech is true. He isn’t saying anything that I haven’t said a dozen times after a bottle of wine and Primary Colors. He didn’t spout one idea that I don’t agree with. He didn’t utter one phrase I haven’t yearned to hear from someone, anyone, in our socio-political landscape. And isn’t that the best part of all? In this whole in-depth [see: Shallow pg. 1] political argument NO ONE in the mainstream media or mainstream politics has the BALLS or the BRAINS to actually say- “You know, Anderson, I listened to Rev. Wright’s speech and I was moved by it because it’s how I feel sometimes.”

What the eff is it about this country and about our people that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to see the worst in ourselves? You know, people give the French so much bullshit but I love the French because I’m a masochist too and god damn it I wish more people were. Before you can fix all the bullshit in the world you have to first admit to yourself that’s it’s broken and that it’s probably your fault, folks. So hop on the Straight Razor Express and take a Wonka boat ride with me. This country IS imperialistic. This country (like, btw, EVERY OTHER COUNTRY THAT HAS EVER EXISTED ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET AND EVER WILL EXIST ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET) isn’t perfect. We don’t always do the right thing; we don’t always see the light, free the slaves, feed the hungry and recycle. Sometimes we massacre the natives. Sometimes we drop atomic bombs on the civilian population of an enemy state. Sometimes we support corrupt dictators in developing countries because they fit nicely into our pockets and will ‘develop’ their country in a way that is of maximum benefit to our exceptional* nation. Sometimes, we park in the handicapped spot. I’m okay with that. As a masochistic bohemian, I am at peace with shitiness and dedicated to the pursuit of improvement.

*”Exceptional” is also an acceptable term for ‘mentally retarded’ according to the Special Olympics website.

What Jeremiah Wright said was the truth. Before you judge, or let other people judge for you please watch it for yourself. The debate raging over his words, as usual, is off the mark. We shouldn’t be talking about whether or not what he said could hurt Obama or whether Obama is a terrorist for simply hearing Wright’s words. We should be talking about what Wright said. Whether you agree or disagree with his words, they are worth discussion and the current debate takes it as a foregone conclusion that they were ‘hate-filled’ and ‘anti-American’. They were the opposite. They were anger-filled words from someone who loves human life so much that the taking of it- for any reason- is enraging and they were pro-American because he and many other people like him love this country so much that they want it to be better, smarter, kinder, fairer and part of the solution.

all men are created equal...well, except you.

I’ve been struggling lately with marrying my belief in holding humanity to certain standards with our society’s politically correct version of ‘multi-culturalism’. I’m a progressive liberal.  I’m all about diversity and equality.  I totally sweat culture.  I donate to the Human Rights Campaign & Green Peace, I love Def Poetry Jam AND I own a ukulele.  What more can I do?  But there’s this little anchor that’s been keeping my cultural sensitivity and appreciation from reaching its true potential.  The little anchor I refer to goes by the name of “omitted for security reasons”.  Before you drive a truck loaded with explosives into my house, hear me out.

All societies are fucked up.  I mean, who am I to judge a culture that forces 8 year olds to marry and have sex with 30 year olds when my culture has produced, in no particular order- Mormon fundamentalists, Paris Hilton, George W. Bush, and CBS’s Two and a Half Men?  We clearly don’t have a leg to stand on, right?  Except…I think we do.  Is it wrong to believe that all cultures are NOT created equal; that maybe there are some societies that are better/happier/fairer?  At the risk of seeming like a racist/smug/insensitive/cultural Nazi (no offense to members of my extended family)- I do think that there are some societies that have ‘gotten it’ more than others.

We live in a world where some cultures believe that it is ok to stone a woman to death for being raped.  Where it is ok to sell children to perverts.  Where it ok to hang gay people, cut off poor people’s hands for stealing and listen to this or this.  I don’t think of myself as a cultural imperialist.  I don’t want everyone to watch MTV, engage in casual sex or drink dirty martinis till everyone in the bar’s a 10 (ps- Friday can’t come soon enough).  But I DO want our world to agree on a few fundamental principals.  That everyone deserves the right to EXIST and everyone deserves the right to be HAPPY (unless, of course, killing me would make you happy.  Consider the loophole closed, fucker).

There is nothing intrinsically better about any man, woman or child on earth.  You say potato, I say potatah.  You say freedom fighter, I say homicidal jihadist.  We are all born with the same potential.  But as we grow, mature and soak in the info, or lack thereof, around us- we branch like a big family tree.  Some of us go on to invent the pencil eraser and Velcro while some of us are killed after a night of heavy drinking and risky sex on train tracks.  That’s life- and that’s culture.  People in cultures that have been left behind are not at fault.  There are very real (and therefore fixable) reasons for this lag- poverty, war, bad leadership, imperialism, and the list goes on.  But until people actually admit that, unfortunately, all cultures are NOT created equal and that some of them need to be repaired, updated, and synced with my Blackberry- we are getting nowhere.  The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem (the second step, coincidentally, is realizing that your problem is probably someone else’s fault).